Monday 29 March 2010

Just an ordinary girl



I don’t normally do this on my blog but my love for music has taken over and new music deffinately doesn’t get the coverage it needs and this person has one really good voice!
Tara London – she writes her own songs and has a really and I mean really unique sound. Check it out!



Right moving on from my little advertisement...

Things got heated with Louis today, had a really good conversation with him tonight
Back with Scott, but I’m still not 100% sure it’s the right thing to do

I’m really tired so off to bed I go, Oh and hi to my new follower!!

Sunday 28 March 2010

You were my all or nothing, hopefully your going to be my all!

The simple way to put today (names need to be used!):

I haven’t felt held back by anything had a really good conversation with Louis, last night and it did turn kind of flirty, guess it’s just one of those things, but it was weird especially as he told me he liked me :/ and carried on speaking to him today and it was kind of flirty again.

But I guess I can be like that coz I am single again, and yeah this sounds bad but I am kind of happy about it because there’s no way it would have gone any further. I do feel bad for Scott but he will find someone else and I really hope he does. But by breaking things off it means I won't be able to hurt him by going with Louis behind his back.

Louis has already started making me smile but my parents aren’t sure about me and him yet but they said, they just want to see me happy, so if things with Louis go any further then it will make me happy.

I’ll keep you posted; love for a teenager can be kind of complicated!

Saturday 27 March 2010

Bigger than dreams...

Everyone has dreams, hopes things they aspire to do, right? For me I would love to see my stories and poems in a shop for sale, not what most people would think about me, but that is my dream and to be honest no one will ever be able to take that dream away from me, and one day hopefully I will achieve that dream. Some people try and put down other people’s dreams, but why? Do you get a kick out of this; you can’t ever take someone else’s dream away from them because it’s something that they want more than anything else, but you can make them feel like what they want is stupid or silly and surely when you make someone feel like that then you’re making yourself feel pretty useless too, why would you ever want to make someone feel like what they want isn’t worth anything, the smallest of dreams is the biggest of dreams to someone.

I’m going to stop using people’s names in my blog, because it keeps getting me into trouble, maybe I’ll use nicknames or initials or just not use names at all... I don’t know I’ll decide when I need to mention someone.

I always seem to spend my weekends thinking things over, working out how I want things to go. Today wasn’t any different. I saw things differently today, and it really is time to just concentrate on me and things that I want and need to do. Some things that I have decided are going to be hard to actually do, but then there’s others that I will have to decide on soon...

I was looking through some old pictures today and it really does make you miss some things that you used to have, and some people that were in your life. There are times when you just have to move on whether it’s you or someone else getting hurt because it’s the best thing to do. Some decisions are really hard to make, but they have to be made.

I thought when you have everything you thought you wanted you were supposed to be happy, what happens when that something isn’t actually what you wanted? How do you deal with it then? Do you carry on how everything is and hope that it goes back to how you once felt or do you start making changes and sorting things out to how you want them to be?

In life there are some hard decisions and they will only ever get worse.

Everyone’s lives would be pretty boring if they didn’t try things that were thrown in their direction, I have and now I know doing this isn’t what I want right now, I thought once it was, but things have changed, and now I know that it isn’t what I thought it would be, and it isn’t what it was.

"I turned into your perfect girl, a total stranger"

So the basics for all the new people that are reading this, I blog because I find it the easiest way to empty my head, by writing everything down I can see everything as it is and not have to keep thinking it over, well sometimes I do but you can’t always help that. I like to write other stuff too like poems, but I haven’t really written much else other than my blog for a couple of months.

Music plays a big part of my life (no pun intended!). I have a song for every memory, moment, feeling that I listen to. I don’t just listen to one type of music because each type of music can fit into different situations.

Being a teenager you get to experience a lot, friendship, love, fall outs, break ups, arguments, and bitchy people, all of that stuff. But it’s being a teenager that everything major really happens, like your GCSEs, leaving school, college, learning to drive as and a levels, university everything major that could change your life happens when you’re a teenager. Yet everyone thinks you’re too young to make important decisions and they still make all of this stuff happen when you’re not even adult...pretty stupid if you ask me.

It’s weird when you think you know someone and then they go and say something and it’s completely different to the person that you thought they were. But there again everyone one can perceive themselves to be someone different to everyone but only they themselves truly know who they are.

I find it hard to let people in my life, but once I let them into my life it’s hard to let them go again. I don’t choose just to have friends; all my friends are really close to me in some way or another and I know I’ll always be able to rely on them. I do think girls and guys can be friends without having anything else and yeah sometimes this does become more but girl/ guy friendships are the best friendships to have because there’s never that bitchy thing that goes on between girls and the talking behind each other’s backs, it always goes on!

And yeah, I can be bitchy and I am most of the time really outspoken, but it’s better than being something you’re not! I would rather be hated than have to live my life as someone I’m not.

I’m going to take this post as a fresh start and seeing everything as a new opportunity and to start doing things for me and not everyone else, making decisions because it makes things easier for me and to stop worrying what everyone else thinks.


Thursday 25 March 2010

all i ever wanted was you

Do you ever think about me
Do you ever cry yourself to sleep
In the middle of the night when you're awake
Are you calling out for me
Do you ever reminisce
I can't believe I'm acting like this
Oh it's crazy
How I still can feel your kiss
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better
But it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away
Do you ever ask about me
Do your friends still tell you what to do
Every time the phone rings
Do you wish it was me calling you
Do you still feel the same
Or has time put out the flame
I miss you
Is everything okay
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better
But it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away
It's hard enough
Just passing the time
When I can't seem to get you off my mind
Where is the good in goodbye
Tell me why
Tell me why
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away
I miss you so much and I don't know what to say
I should be over you
I should know better
But it's just not the case
It's been six months, eight days, twelve hours since you ran away


Brian Mcknight songs are sooo good!! Old music is always the best.

Got a random ext from louis today, but it made me smile :/ then we had a long chat tonight about all our memories and what we thought we had a planned for 'our future' but that never happened :/ makes you think about everythin that you used to have and what you have lost... :/

i'm writing this while waiting to talk to scott... i really miss him and all the time it makes it harder. i wish it wasnt like this. Atm all we seem to do is get over one arguement and have another one and it just takes small things to set it off. We say we want to be together forever, but when its like this sometimes if we are only wishing it could happen and it never will.

UURRGGG i always start thinking like this after i talk to louis :@ people always get inside your head and mess up everythin that you sort out.

didn't post yesterday coz nothin really happened and well thats pretty much the same today...

nothing in life can be simple...

Damn baby
Just don't understand where we went wrong
I gave you my heart
I gave you my soul
I gave you...
As a matter of fact I was the one who said I love you first
It was about eight years ago, don't act like you don't know
We were sittin' at home in your mama's livin' room
Cause, we couldn't be alone
See your mama knew I was something else, she knew how I felt
Back then we were in school; and that's your favorite excuse
Growin' up I was a fool; and I can't lie I'm missing you
Listen and don't trip
I think I need a bottle with a genie in it
Here's my wish list
First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'll make you my whole life
And you'll be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
One wish, one wish, one wish
Now tell me is this the only way I can get you right back in
If so then searchin' I'll go, then I can have you for sho
Then you'll be loving me, holding me, kissing me
So girl don't tell me what I'll feeling is make believe
I swear if I lose a second chance with you
I wouldn't know what to do
I'll probably check myself into some kind of clinic
I couldn't be alone because without you I'll sick
Here's my wish list
First one, I would create a heart changing love
Second one, I'll take yours and fill it all up
Third one, but I don't need a lot of wishes cause I'll be okay if I get one
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'll make you my whole life
And you'll be my wife, make it right this time
If I had one wish
I don't even know how we ended upon this road
And, even though we are grown, Girl I just want you to know
If I had one wish, we would be best friends
Love would never end, it would just begin
If I had one wish, you would be my boo
Promise to love you, trust me I'll trust you
If I had one wish, we would run away
Making love all day, have us a baby
If I had one wish, I'll make you my whole life
And you'll be my wife, make it right this time

why is it there's thousands of songs that say how you feel, but you can never say it yourself??

why does my head have to mess up agaiin??

its always times like this when things seem to be going okay for once.

anways

laterz x
love you

Tuesday 23 March 2010

ubberrr tireeddd

i havent had a chance to speak to scott today :(

bin an alriight day nothing major realli happened...just realli tired :(

so i havent got much to say

oh yeah change of plan bookin camp this weekend hopefully and am gonna co to calshot for the watersports one :D

laterz xx

love you babyy check you e-mail :D xx

Monday 22 March 2010

not much happens on a monday

Some people are really pathetic, I mean I think it’s time you all grew up, well those 3 people!

Got the glee vol. 2 today, it’s actually quite good!

I miss my baby :(

Max has been making weird comments lately :/

Anyways that’s it

Laterz x
Love you xx

Sunday 21 March 2010

Not really had a very exciting day today...

Went to Tesco’s, sorted my guinea pig & rabbit out, played on the Xbox (actually had a chance today :o).

As you can see I haven’t really done a lot.

I’m so looking forward to summer this year, camp the first week of summer, back for a week, then 2 weeks in Cumbria with the family, back for a week then friends birthday shizz in the last week :D, plus work around all of that. Gonna be a good summer I think, with lots more memories :)

I decided that my first choice for camp is gonna be Gradbach, it’s Derbyshire and it looks well good!

Got a few half terms before though, so I should be able to revise for all my exams and hopefully see Scott sometime (fingers crossed).

This year is going to be a busy year, exams, summer, revision, college, learning to drive... it’s gonna be crazy!! But I’m looking forward to it because I have amazing people around me.

I realised today that on Tuesday I’ll have been with Scott for 3 weeks, already! It’s gone so quick!! I do love him and I miss him so much but when I can drive I'll to be able to drive and be able to see him whenever I’m free.

Monday again tomorrow only two more weeks of school till Easter 

Laterz xx
Love you baby, miss you so much xxxxx

Saturday 20 March 2010

Today is the start of something good.

I don’t know what happened today but I realised a few things...

Recently I’ve been thinking that my life is really bad but let’s face it I’m actually really lucky.

I’ve got....

Scott;
My amazing boyfriend, who I know I can talk to about anything, who I can trust 100% (slight contradiction of the last couple of days, I know, but let’s face it, I actually can’t see him doing any of the things people have said he’s done). He always knows what to say, can put a smile on my face no matter what mood I’m in and sticks by me through everything. I LOVE YOU BABE!!

My friends;
Well here I’m talking about my close friends who I can count on for anything and everything. They’re always there if I need someone to talk to, if I need cheering up, or someone to piss about with. We have some crazy chats too, and I’ve learnt a lot from them the last year. THANKS GUYS

My family;
To be honest I am lucky in the respect the both of my parents are together, not a lot of people have that. We argue a lot but we are close really....

I’m not like a lot of people, yeah I guess I’m outspoken (well I know I am), I’ll say things and think about them afterwards, and that’s always been an issue. I’ve gone through a lot of bad stuff, but that’s taught me to appreciate what I’ve got and the last couple of days I’ve forgotten that.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that however much I complain I am actually really lucky.

Laterz xx
Love you babe xxxxx

Ramble

I feel like having a ramble :)

I woke up this morning and my shoulders hurt like hell no idea why, but most likely because of basketball yesterday and me taking everything out on my punch bag :) It was quite fun though imagining everything you want to sort out and just letting go.

I love it when people say things behind your back and they dont think you'll find out. Good times.

Spoke to Scott this morning, he's in Spain... it's alright for some. I love him so much and thigns are starting to go good between us again, i dunno, now i think i've put everything behind us, just wish we could see each other now :(.

louis went weird on me today telling me he needed a massage :/ i just sorted of ignored it.

I've bin listening to until you were gone by chipmunk ft. esmee denters all day it's a really good song.

I think i've chosen my camp for next year, so now all we've got to do is book it!! EXCITEEED much.

Created a new website http://sjhubbard.webs.com/ everything of mine is going to be posted there, my uncle got some copy maker person to do the writing on the home page, that guy was funny.

Lately things havent been so great, but i'm pretty sure things will change.

People want to bitch about me... GO AHEAD
I WILL say what i think too

People want to cause trouble... GO AHEAD
I WILL cause trouble too.

Gotta love life sometimes, and ways i'm back to fl studio... and i mean damn that is some good software. Startin to get the hang of it now.

laterz xx
love you babyy xxxxxx

Friday 19 March 2010

time to think...

I miss not being able to talk to scott already :( how am i going to last a week... but there again it does mean i can focus on my coursework a lot more.

It's the weekend!! I think i'll sit down with my textiles and finish some of it off :) hopefully i'll have fuity loops studio 9 by tomorrow :) had it before but deleted it, ooopps lol.

Got Ladacris battle of the sexes today, and maaan it's good. I've also bin listening to some freestylin on youtube got me back into rap waay to much :)

This week without scott will be good to sort out my head and decide everything properly, on my own.

lol max tryin to explain his game of poker to me, bearin in mind i have no idea how to play poker, this is actually quite a waste of time. Using all those technical terms really has lost me...

I really hurt my thumb in basketball today, its gona a funny grey/blue colour and it really painful :(

aaahh well i'm gonna finish puttin some music on my mp3 player then go to bed for an early niight... and some thinking tiime....

laterz xx
love you xxxx

Thursday 18 March 2010

a long time coming

I know this blog has been a long time coming, but here it is...

I can now definitely say that I do truly want to be with Scott however hard that is. He may not be perfect, but to me he couldn’t be more perfect! I know that we won’t see each other much until after my exams, because of all of my coursework and exams that are coming up. But I do know something, we are going to be alright and I’m going to be there for him as much as I can. He’s going to Spain tomorrow :( which means I won’t be able to talk to him for a week... I'm finally seeing us moving on out of this mess, together and not having to split up because of it, i'm not saying that i'm a 100% sure of it but its deffinately starting to seem a lot better.

I actually can’t believe how quickly the exams are coming; I seriously need to start revision and putting in some over time with my textiles sketchbook!

I managed to get my mum and dad to definitely agree to let me go to camp again this year; I’m well excited and looking forward to it! Now all I’ve got to do is chose which one I want to go too.

Laterz xx
I love you babe xxxx

not the same

Well today i've got to be careful what write, writing whats in my head caused problems...

bin quite a good day, had a good convo with louis, funny lunch with everyone break was funny too, hockey was good i scored, spoke to scott it's still not the same though....

laterz xx

Wednesday 17 March 2010

how i feel



I've traveled far along with you
We walked the world and together grew
It will be strange being without you
You gave me strength and helped me grow
But now it's time to be on my own
I hope you know, this was difficult
A part of you is a part of me
And will always be
So hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand
We'll go on our separate ways
It may be hard, but I'm not afraid
I think it's good life makes us change
So don't be sad
The best is yet to come
But until it does
Just hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand
So hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand
I won't forget those times
I won't forget those feelings
So don't forget I'm going to see you again
So hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand
So hold your head high
It's so hard to say goodbye
I just have to take this chance
I hope you understand



I miss those blue eyes
How you kiss me at night
I miss the way we sleep

Like there's no sunrise
Like the taste of your smile
I miss the way we breathe

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

I see your blue eyes
Everytime I close mine
You make it hard to see
Where I belong to
When I'm not around you
It's like I'm not with me

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you

But I never told you
What I should have said
No, I never told you
I just held it in

And now,
I miss everything about you
Can't believe that I still want you
and after all the things we've been through
I miss everything about you
Without you



No no no...
mmmm... heyy yeahh

Thinking back when we got together
And in our hearts we were saying forever,
So in love, boy we were so in love, mm..
Jealous wasn't what we wanted, we broke up
You looked in my eyes I should've spoke up, and held you near
Now I'm alone and here it comes again

Cause I remember every word that you said
It all keeps on spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
And I don't wanna think about you baby so much
All the things we didn't know the way that we touched
Just when I think about someone new
I keep on forgetting to forget about you, forget about you, forget about
Watch me turn around, forgetting to forget about you, forget about me and you

I'd be crazy to say that we were perfect,
And sometimes I wondered if it was worth it
But now I see, how good you were for me
And everytime I drive by your apartment
I get this overwhelming urge to walk in and see your face
And to be in that place, all over again

Cause I remember every word that you said
It all keeps on spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
And I don't wanna think about you baby so much
All the things we did it didn't know the way we touched
Just when I think about someone new
I keep on forgetting to forget about you, forget about you, forget about
Watch me turn around, forgetting to forget about you, forget about me and you

The way we laughed, the way we kissed
I never thought that I would miss all the things I used to complain about you (ooh~)
The football games, hometown friends, I was glad to see it end
But tell me why I feel so alone without you.. ooh...
yeah... here it comes again...!

Cause I remember every word that you said (you)
It all keeps on spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
And I don't wanna think about you baby so much (so much)
All the things we did it didn't know the way we touched (we touched)
Just when I think about someone new (new)
I keep on forgetting to forget about you,

Cause I remember every word that you said (you)
It all keeps on spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you, forget about you, forget about
Watch me turn around, forgetting to forget about you, forget about me and you
I can't forget about you

don't you hate it when it's like this

Cause I remember every word that you said
It all just keeps spinning around in my head
But it don't matter what I try to do
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
And I don't want to think about you baby so much
All the things we did and the way that we touched
Just when I think about someone new
I keep on forgetting to forget about you
Forget about you, forget about
Watch me turn around and forget, forget about you
Forget about me and you

The way we laughed, the way we kissed
I never thought that I would miss
All the things I used to complain about you
The football games, the hometown friends
I'm was glad to see it end
But tell me why I feel so alone without you?
Ooo oh, Oooh, Yeah,
Here it comes again


That song has a lot of meaning to me sometimes...

I know this will sound weird but since me a Louis broke up it's been easier for us to talk about things, I miss that about him just sitting talking or going for one of those long walks...

I know I and Scott have something really good, but I do miss being able to be with my boyfriend and just spending time together.

I do care about Scott a lot and I know this doesn't seem fair on him to say this, but I just need to get it out of my head.

Today I’ve spent quite a bit of time thinking things over and over again. Sometimes I feel like history is repeating itself, being back with Scott was meant to be a fresh start for us both but the same problems came back. I don't know why but when things like this happen you question your decision in the first place, I knew it was going to be hard with the distance but I didn't think it would be like this. I hate comparing us to me and Louis but it is hard not being able to just go and see him, revise with him just being sat there, the little things that seem to make the difference. I hate the fact that we can't see each other when we want to. This was always going to be hard, but now it's just got a lot worse.

Memories are something we'll always have, and will never be able to forget...

I've got so much stuff going on in my head at the moment. It's crazy, I can't decide what’s for the best, I don't want to lose Scott, but it's triggered some really bad stuff at the moment.

Cause when I'm with him
I am thinking of you
Thinking of you
What you would do if
You were the one
Who was spending the night
Oh I wish that I
Was looking into your eyes

Everything is confusing, I don't think that I have feelings for Louis anymore, I just miss what we had, and wish that I could have that sort of relationship with Scott. The distance causes so many problems. The thing is I’m 16 and he's 15 it would be different if I could drive and see each other every other weekend or something but we can't it months between when we can see each other, and to be honest you can't really call what we have a proper relationship when we don't see each other. Maybe this time I’m not really in it like I was the first time because of everything that has happened. I don’t know. In some ways I feel like by lying to me Scott has pushed me away, I feel like he didn’t feel like he could tell me the truth in the first place. I know I said that I wanted to us to move forward and forget about it, but when this has happened so many times before it’s hard to think that it won’t happen again. I knew that it was going to take a lot for us to work, so everything that goes wrong makes it so much harder and makes me regret wanting to try. I do care about Scott and always probably will, but in some ways I see us ending and not starting out.

oh this is not the way that it should end
it's the way it should begin
it's the way it should begin, again
no, I never wanna fall apart,
never wanna break your heart
never wanna let you break my own
yes, I know we've said a lot of things
that we probably didn't mean
but it's not too late to take them back
so, before you say you're gonna go..
I should probably let you know
that I never knew what I had...
I never knew what I had...

A lot of music says how I feel at the moment... maybe that’s a good thing... maybe it’s not...

At times I think it would have been easier to give Louis a proper chance and see if we could work out (that isn’t the right thing to say I know especially when I’m with Scott but I need to get everything out of my head) Everything seems to go round I circles.

Maybe one of my mates was right maybe I should have just drawn a line under both of them and moved on on my own. But at the time that’s not what I wanted, Scott and I started to get really close again, and I was able to trust him and be able to actually talk to him. In some ways what Louis said originally when Scott and I broke up the first time is true living so far apart with everything like this going on at the moment isn’t fair for either for either of us.

This blog really feels like I’m trying to talk myself out of being with Scott. That wasn’t what I was trying to do.
It's on the tip of my tongue but I'm still afraid
Sometimes the only things words do is get in the way
Sometimes the easiest things are the hardest to say
But I don't want to lose you, drive you away
I don’t want to confuse you, I need you to say only wish you knew what I wanted to say only wish you knew what I wanted to say

my hands are shaking
I’m yours for the taking
don’t you hesitate
please just do one thing
one small sign something
lets jump off the edge

At times being with Scott feels like the best thing in the world, but then there are times like this where I don’t have the power to think anymore because all I’ve done is think about how to work things out. Honestly I don’t want to lose Scott but, I can’t see a way to be able to trust him again, it will take time but that is going to be a really long time.

I don’t want us to end, I need a way to fix this but I can’t think of anything, I really don’t want us to end.

But without trust we really wont work.

I know that for sure.

But right now I feel like I’m being held down by something, if this isn’t a way to fix this then, I don’t see us going anywhere...

In some ways I miss me and Scott just being friends, without everything being complicated, and just being able to talk about everything.

This blog will probably tear him apart if he reads it, that wasn’t what it was supposed to do, as much as if probably seems like he doesn’t, he does mean a lot to me, and I really do a care about him a lot but right now he has really hurt me and I’ve tried to forget about everything but... I just can’t.

He says i mean a lot to hi, but hows that true when the first time round he went out with some one 3 hours after we split up... wasn't that hard for him...

I never lied to you, yet you can do it to me...
I never gave you a reason to doubt me, look who it is now...
You say i'm everything to you, how can that be?

Everyone sticks up for him, but no one can really see what it's doing to me and how its making me feel.

Laterz xx
Love you xxx

So far...

I am so happy, i've finally remmeber all the css coding shizz so i've spent most of the day so far coding my site and one for my dad.

My new site not just words, is now up
http://not-just-words.webs.com/index.htm
Go and take a look :) All my stuff is goin to be posted there as well

Then i got a suprise today, now i thought this was waaay cool....i might be able to go to camp again this year!! So i was looking at the DI4R sire today, not decided which one yet, but it'll probs be the first week of the actually summer holidays. The conditions on bein able to go are make a site for my parents business (done) and to help out with the business for free (well till the amount is payed off) but i'm well happy bout that.

I'm goin to go do some graphics coursework and hopefully get my product done (fingers crossed)

I got a really cute text from scott this morning and after the last couple of days it was really good to know how he feels. I have bin a bit shit to him and given him a hard time but with the distance there's no way our relationship would work if i can't trust him, or he can't trust me. But everything is sorted now and we're back to how we should be. Won't be able to talk to him for a week :( as of friday coz he's goin to spain (alright for some)

anyways better get started on my graphics coursework,

laterz xx
love you xxxx

Tuesday 16 March 2010

The last couple of days have been pretty shit, and today things have just started to get a whole lot better.

Me and scott are starting to get back to the way we used to be.

Bethany has bin sending me some really funny shizzle from youtube:

Im mad, really bad
But dont tell my mum & dad
Pucker up kiss my but
Cuz Im bloody fucking nuts
Hear the bass, skinny waist
Now lets copy pokerface like.... whoa

that was proper good and i saw the top 60 ghetto names



and that cracks me up everytime :D

today has turned out all right

laterz x

love you xx

She says I want my love, Bring it back to me, I won't go anywhere, I need my baby



One thing I am sure of right now, is i deffinately don't want to loose scott, thats the last thing i want right now. He has really hurt me and really made me question if i can trust him anymore. I really thought this time would be different.

laterz xx

Monday 15 March 2010

everytime you lie i die a little inside

i meant it when i said i couldn't go on like this, people lying to me, and its true i can't not with all the other things i have to worry about.

i know it was ages ago, but how the hell am i supposed to trust someone who lies to me, it doesnt work like that, i avoid gettin myself into a situation with someone so i don't regret it and have to lie to him, and i get this in return. THANKS

i can't see this working out, everytime i get hurt

i don't see how i'm supposed to trust him

and this time he can't say it was anyone else

i've had enough of this shit.

laterz x

A lot to think about

Today, i havent really been replying to scotts texts, i guess i've bin spending way too much time thinking bout what jazz was saying last night. Especially as when i asked her when pearl started goin out with scott the first thing she said was about two timing, so that was probably true and he probably did cheat on me then, the fact that she said he was chatting her up, and had evidence for it.

I don't want another relationship where i have to keep forgiving the other person, thats all i seem to do and i can't have anymore things to worry about on top of my exams, and coursework.

I want to be with scott and i really do care about him and i'm pretty sure that i want us to be together for a lot longer.

From now i'm going to forget about everything that was said last night between me and jazz, that isn't important as i don't want other people coming in between us this time.

Hopefully we'll be able to see each other in easter, but that depends on my coursework at the moment. But i don't know if i'll be able to.

The scary thing is i really do like scott a lot more than i wish i did and i dunno what i feel for him isn't soemthing i've felt for anyone before.

This time we're together forever :)

Laterz x
Love you babe xxxx

Sunday 14 March 2010

what a day

gave my mum her stuff for mother's day, she loved it :)

it's bin one of those days...

Thought scott had done the same as what he did before, but i dont believe it this time.

This time i'm not goin to let people come in between us!

Started making my website today but the coding is going to take ages :@

anyways thats it



laterz xx
love you xxxx

Saturday 13 March 2010

if you can't find your way, look for me....

Haven't really had much of a chance to speak to scott today :(

spent most of the day playin my guitar and doin some photoshop stuff, as well as sortin out my mum's present for tomorrow.

hand sketch on Twitpicalvin from alvin and the chipmunks on Twitpic@ChipmunkArtist, chipmunk portrait on Twitpic@planetjedward portrait on Twitpicjoe jonas on Twitpicjustin bieber portrait on Twitpic

Some of the more recent stuff i've done :)

Had a bit of a let down today, got a letter from the college i applied to saying that i can't do leisure studies as the course ain't gonna be run this year. So i'm gonna have to change my application, dunno what to yet though, especially as that was one of the two main courses i want to do.

I really miss him, i knew it would be hard but hopefully in the summer i'll be able to get a part time job so that i can pay for an intensive driving course which means i should be able to drive within a couple of weeks of my 17th birthday, (only 8 months) which means then we'll be able to see each other loads more :)

laterz xx
love you baby and i always will xxxxx

Friday 12 March 2010

Rachel Abedeji ha sactually made my night, twitcam is hilarious.

Had a really funny conversation with scott on the phone, and stacey. lol

Today i have realised that you will always have true friends who stand by you, and there'll be others who are friends when it suits them.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Louis:

i don't need you in my life anymore, so tbh i don't care anymore

Batherzbeaann:

cheer upp, you got people that care about you forget about the other people that make you feel crap, coz there the ones who you don't need :)

Scott:

I love you, and can't wait to see you babe :) forget about last night, i feel really bad about it.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

I love the fact that you have so many people who are nice talking to your face but behind your back there bitches

laterz xx
love you babe xxxxx

Thursday 11 March 2010

Today things came quite clear in my head, i know for sure that me and scott are goin to work out. It took till now and a text from my ex to prove that to me, but still i know it for sure.

So today i'm working on updating my graphics software on my computer with pretty much every program i can find  :D

Kinda annoyed at the fact that scott made it seem that his parents new about us, but he hasn't actually told them... this is exactly what i didn't want to happen. but there again he could do worse things i suppose.

bin one of those days where anything could change my mood just like that....

scott really does mean alot to me, i just hope this time everything works out, i never want to loose him.

laterz xx
love you babe xxxxx

Wednesday 10 March 2010

one day you'll realise dat you'll be alright.

I think i have found my talent, writing, i dunno why but recently all i have been doin is sitting down and writing. I keep getting all these ideas in my head and i just seem to be able to write endlessly. One day hopefully i'll have a published book.

right now i have realised to appreciate what i've got. i'm always going to have arguments with people, it happens to everyone, so the best thing is to ignore the bitchy comments, there going to happen where ever i am, whatever i'm doing. I've got great friends and they really do balance out the people who hvae a dislike for me, they can keep me happy and they know what to say and when to say it. I have an amazing boyfriend and yeah i know we're only teenagers but what i feel for him i havent felt for anyone else, i am really lucky to have him and what we have. I couldn't bare to lose him.

Our exams are coming up and i am behind on a lot of coursework, not sure if i want to go to college anymore, but i'm gonna concentrate on getting it done.

today i've spent a lot of time thinking about me and him, i am truely lucky to have him, i just hope i can get the whole distance thing out of my head, especially after last night, i hated not being able to just be there for him, its hard, and i want to forget about the distance but i don't know if i'll be able to deal with it like i did last time. Especially after all the problems we went through last time, we both started turning to other people and he ended up turning and falling for someone else, all this stuff is going round in my head and i guess i can't break off from the past. It's tough and i want to make a fresh start with him, but this time we have a history together and we arent just starting out, its like it's different somehow. i'm not saying i dont care about him coz i do, i'm crazy about him, but things just seem different. I can't see it as a fresh start because it isn't. we don't have a proper relationship right now, coz of the distance, we can't actually see each other till the holidays and its goin to be like that till i can drive and then i'm going to have pressure from college. Hopefully i'll sort this out in my head. i don't want us to be over, thats the last thing i want, i just want a way of sortin this out in my head. to be able to forget about the distance, i really do appreciate having him in my life, i just wish it was easier... thats all

everything when your a teenager is drama... it needs to be simpler

laterz xxx

love you baby, things will be good soon, we'll be able to be together soon. for now all we can do is dream about being together xxxxx

Tuesday 9 March 2010

times like these

when i wish:

i could just be with scott, especially like now when he needs me, it hurts like hell to know that he's got all this stuff goin on and i can't be there for him.

i could just leave school and leave all the bitchyness behind

i could get a deal writing for some newspaper/ get my own stuff published coz thats what i do best... write. plus i'm pretty good a drawiing butt you knowww.

thinking of making a portfolio website :) but its gonna take a while to remember all the coding stuff...

my sisters goin fora uni open day and if she wakes me up at 3 in the morning tomorrow i wont be happy, but that means i wont have to go to school if she does....

can't be bothered wiv school anymore i just want to go to college and start driving.

laterz x
love you babe xxxx

Monday 8 March 2010

"Cozz you had a baad day, and you take everyone down"

all i'm gonna say is that scott means the world to me and without him i dont know where i'd be, he always makes me smile after a bad day.

had a really bad day till i got home, but thats life.

tomorrow will probs be the same and it will be until this is all sorted out.

dont really have much else to say...

laterz xx
love you babyy and i always will xxxx

Sunday 7 March 2010

Learn the intro to stand by me on my guitar today :)

spent two hours downloading some software that didn't evem work :@

tried to sort things out with kersha again to today, but she seems ready to throw 13 years of friendship down the drain.

i really need to do some courseowrk but really can't be bothered...

i really do love him and hope that we're together forever cause i really care about him, i feel really bad about taking what is happening between me and kersha out on him :/

school tomorrow, then about 4/5 weeks till easter :)

laterz xx
love you babe xxxxx

Saturday 6 March 2010

"I don’t need a parachute
Baby, if I’ve got you
Baby, if I’ve got you
I don’t need a parachute
You’re gonna catch me
You’re gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down"
- Charyl Cole, parachute

I've properly fallen out with kersha because of last night, i've tried to sort things out but she wont talk to me, so se can't say that i haven't tried, and what i did was for her own good.

Watched you got served for the zillionth time today :) love that film

ate my weight in biscuits after dinner :D

finished two more portraits today.

rihanna in colour on Twitpic

beyonce in colour on Twitpic

Spoke to hiimm today :) he means alot to me and is actually the only person that i can trust at the moment, that wont ge tpissed off with me for caring about them.

laterz xx
love you babe xxxx

Party last niight

So i didnt post last night coz i went to mica's birthday party :) I spent most of the night sort ing out drunk people - either holding them up, picking them up, preventing arguements, trying to keep them safe. Ended up having an arguement with kersha just before i left :/ (she was drunk) Other than that it was actually a really good night. Good music, good people, memories and pictures.

I really need to find a JOB!

Won't be able to get back into football coz my knee thing has come back :@

Spoke to scott on the phonee :) it was good to hear his voice, even if we didnt get much of a conversation coz i was getting ready to go to the party.

I reckon there's gonna be a few hang overs today.

Gonna have a film afternoon with my mum today and do some photoshop stuff now and find some new software, and i might post later.

I really miss him :(

Laterz xx
love youu xxxx

Thursday 4 March 2010

PARTAAAYYY TOMORROWWWWW

Got mica's party tomorrow well exciteed :D

Got really worried about scott today, messing up his leg :/

I've been so happy the last couple of days all because of him :)

I miss him like crazy :(

Got some more of my graphics work done and started my media.

Got the DJ hero album, which has jay-z and eminem tracks... it's amaziing

Beat everyone at lips on the xbox today... yeah most people don't know it but i can actually sing, play guitar(ish) and play a bit of piano/keyboard. I am quite musical, lol

Well i dont really have much else to say...

Laterz xx
I love you babe xxxxx

Wednesday 3 March 2010

A more interesting post

Well the last post was a bit short so i'll write this one whilst watching england play, especially as they aren't doin too great... (first half 1:0 to eypt)

Well the first thing i did when i woke up this morning was check my phone and i had 3 texts from him :) I fell asleep when we were texting last night :/ it was nice to wake up to them though, it reminded me why i love him so much, they was he says how he feels, it's good to know that he can say how he feels to me. Not many guys are like that, it's just one of the millions of things that i like about him.

"oh rooney don't be such a dick" my mum's input to the football... (second half)

When i went down the shop this morning, as normal, 2 creme eggs for 80p!! thought that was amziing. This car nearly crashed not so good.

"what's bart simpsons sister called?" dad not watching the football...god knows what he wanted to know that for

Spent the walk down to the bus stop texting scott :D as usual...

Had media first... emma and bethany are going to start a band :/, anna, "i'm going to the doctors" emma "why" anna "must you know everything about my body? do I need to reveal the secrets of my temple?" major lol.

the rest of the day past in a bit of a blur

1:1 crouch scored (second half)
"he can do that he's such a big man" lol he's huge what they on about big
at last shaun wright-phillips is on :D

got home, found the tab to everything - michael buble and ava marie - beyonce. After talking to scott for a while, spent about an hour practicing my guitar.

Wrote a few more poems although my mum thinks they sound more like lyrics :/ gonna change them...

I'm pretty sure this time me and hiim will be together for a really long time, he means soo much to me. I know this time i won't make the mistake of taking him for granteed like last time. It feels good to be appreciated for a change and to be given respect.

I am as of now looking for a new football team, this weekend i'm starting me new fitness training for myself untill i find a team. Looking at one of the ladies teams in cambridge and now i'm looking for a new pair of boots.

Things are looking so much better, i have some really good friends, a truely amazing boyfriend who i love so much, and everything is just starting to look like it's going somewhere...

2:1 to england shaun wright phillips (second half)

Anyways thats it, but longer than the last one :)

Laterz xx
I lvoe you babe and i always will xxxx

todaayy

I'm really happy, about to go practice my guitar so this is gonna be pretty short.

Thought there was gonna be a big arguement wasn't though.. just a little problem

Forgot some coursework gonna do it tonight some time

Found a whole load of new songs to learn on guitar

Spent most of my spare time textin/ thinkin bout him :)

Laterz xx
Love youu xxxx

Tuesday 2 March 2010

Maybe it's love this time....

I don't think anyone or anything can change the mood i am in right now :D i am sooo happy! It's all down to one person. Scott! Yeaah we're back together, took long enough, but i'm pretty sure it's gonna work this time.

Bless him this morning :)

Had four maths exams today... FOUR. They were all resits as well...

Well, media was realli funny,

Mr H: what does the watershed mean claire?

Claire: you can swear and all that sh!t before 9pm

lol the best part was mr houghton didnt hear what she sed, lmao

Media studies = the best studies :D

brenna's new name: rofl lmao

No more exams for a while i don't think

My hpone won't hold its charge at the moment it's realli annoying...

Textiles tomorrow, wonders what heeks has got instore for me :/ i swear that woman has it in for me...

Not realli got much to say, i'm just realli happy :D

Laterz xx
I love you babee xxxxx

Monday 1 March 2010

CONFUSED....

I think about scott and see someone, who is kind and caring. Who can do the sweetest things like texting me in the morning to see if i'm alright and will spend hours just talking. There's not much chance of being able to see each other properly, and thats one of the biggest parts of a relationship to me. But he always knows what to say and when to say it. Last time i ended up not beign able to trust him coz he just kept lying about little things.

I think about louis and see someone who is caring and can make me laugh. He won't do the whole texting thing and saying how he feels like that but he does make the our time together special, and knows how to make everything feel like its going to be okay. When we argue he can always talk me round. If i give him a second chance what says he won't bring everything back to what it came to before.

Forget about the distance?
Forget about the past?
Forget about trust?

Or draw a line under everything and have a completely fresh start?

I dont know who i want to be with.

Need someone to tell me what to do.

Go with my head or my heart.

Laterz xx