Today...

Has turned out quite good, spent most of the day, after goin shopping for the second day in a row, on photoshop. Check out all the pictures on my twitter :)

I'm having to wear my reatainers agaaaiin :( si now my mouth hurts ALOT

I still care about you, maybe we can make it work i don't know, lets see where it goes.

Anyways, thats it

Laterz x

rihanna sketch

Sketch of rihanna done in photoshop, click to make it bigger :)

Laterz xx

Finished

I'll get the video soon, here's the photoshop pic i promised, Danny Jones Mcfly, photoshop painting. (click the picture to see it fuul size)

Laterz x

I'm FREE...

well so to speak, i'm finally not tied to anyone and i'm not going to be talked it into it either, not this time.

I'm not going to be talked around by louis again that isn't going to happen.

I'm just going to see where everything goes.

Myabe there'll be something with scott, i don't know, but i know he was one of the reasons i've walked away from louis. To be honest i haven't really planned anything that far ahead yet, all i know right now is that i'm going to do what i want and not be talked into anything anymore.

I know early blog, get me. but i was up and needed something to do.

And it's raining outside, what more do i want.... SOME SUN WOULD BE NICE!!

Laterz xx

:( todaayy

I am officially a yo-yo...

I actually hate myself even more everytime i do this... everytime i walk away from him he manages to talk me round.

So after telling him theres no way this will work we're goin to see how it goes tomorrow. Doubt it will go anywhere, but hey why not i've let him talk me into this already, so lets go with it.

I'm still hung up on scott but i can't see anyway of us having a proper relationship, so i guess we're going to have to move on.

I'll post again later, once i've got my youtube acocunt open and got the link to my video i uploaded, and maybe i'll give you a proper post too, but i need to get this out of my head.

Laterz x

New videeooo.

Hate to disappoint you but it didn't upload quick enough to put in with this post so it'll be done ready for tomorrow, i'm creating a series of videos of my poems set to music, this one is set to The Saturdays - forever is over, to be honesti think it's fitting for the poem, so you'll have to wait and see which one i use it for!

Having one of those conversations again where i wish i wasn't but glad i am.

Ignored all of scott's texts today just to keep louis happy... which is proper annoying coz sometimes it feels like scott cares more than he does, and actually listens...

I'd do anything to make him happy just sometimes think he's saying all the things i want to hear rather than telling me how he really feels and if that the case this isn't going to work out. Plus it feels like he doesnt care at times, like today i didnt want to tell him what was up so he told me it was a waste of his time and credit, thanks for that... you know...

I decided after it was becoming such a big thing i would get twitter, it's pretty cool actually, it's more than likely gonna take over facebook, its alot easier to use!

I've decided on the tattoo i want to get when it legal/ if i can find a place where i can get it done before its legal...

I wish louis was more like scott sometimes, like scott actually seems to care when he talks but then louis can say the cutest things out of the blue which seem more special because he harldy ever says them.

But then i wish scott lived closer like louis does.

Man, life is waayy too confusing

I really do care about louis alot, just wish he made his feelings a little bit more obvious sometimes, but things were better tonight, our little facebook chats are the best :p, smilie war... which i won

It was cute when louis was telling me that all he'd done was think about me since he got home.. bless him

I'm really liking The Saturdays wordshaker album, think it's pretty amazing, to be honest didn't really like them to begin with but the more i listen to the album the more i like it.



My favourite song off the album at the moment. But there again open up is pretty good too.

Gotta love louis lol he didn't know how to make the herat on facebook... bless him

I'm officially hooked on twitter already... not a good sign...

Looking forward to sunday and seeing louis, only if i get my coursework done though... but there again even if i don't i'll still go

Just 9 months till i'm 17 now that's scaryyy....

Anyways... Tomorrow is saturday which means a nice looonnnnngggg lie in

Laterz xx

Ps. that video will be posted tomorrow :) maybe some photoshop edits to if i can be bothered to upload them :)

:D it's better

The answer to my question about not answering my texts, not having credit.

Everything is really good again me and louis are sorted and i'm really happy. can't wait for sunday.

Can't wait for me and louis to be together properly.

Laterz xx

I love you xx

We could be more than just amazing....

U-turn day

Well so far today has been just great, i managed to mess up BIG time. My day:

Wake up to a text from louis, which was realli good.

Then we have a little chat that finishes with 'I love you' which was even better

The bus was early so we didnt have to wait in the cold, which was brilliant

Had a reasonable day at school until lunch, which is when things start going messed up. I start talking to scott, go to send him a text explaining why i was't so sure about me a louis, which i accidently end up sending to louis, which i completely regret, and to now i still haven't spoken to louis. So who knows whats going to happen, probably something bad. Hopefully i can fix things. Anyways i'll keep you posted.

Laterz xx

today couldn't of turned out BETTER :)

Firstly I think I may have probably just got my guy back, LOUIS, after being a complete an utter arse last night I told him this morning that everything was hard enough without adding him to the equation and he just said all the right things in all of the right places. I never thought he would be that sort of person, but he seems different now... good different... Well I suppose he’s changed like he said, and apparently that’s down to me. I’m writing this because I can’t be talking to him as he’s at football sorting out his team, yeah I know its crazy he has his own team he plays for them and I think he manages them, but I’m not completely sure on the managing thing but I know he started the team.

A lot of people keep asking what I see in him so here it is:

1. He’s really funny and good at making bad situations seem actually quite good
2. He can actually give really good advice, and surprisingly he told me not to fall out with my parents over him
3. His hugs are amazing, I absolutely love them (not to mention how he kisses, but you don’t really want to know about that)
4. He listens to some pretty decent music
5. He actually listens to me, we can actually hold a conversation
6. He knows how to have a good time
7. He has a tattoo, I think tattoos are really attractive
8. All the little things he does

Trust me there are loads of things about him that makes me crazy about him. He’s the reason I have a smile on my face. Hopefully this time we will last a long time. Plus my parents are all good with it now.

I am so happy it’s crazy, and I’m so looking forward to Sunday. Shame I can’t go to Claire’s party on Saturday...

I feel bad about Scott though, I guess, he will find someone one day...

I’m so happy at the moment nothing can bring me down.

Oh yeah i had to do some interview thing for school today, that woman was sooo funny

Laterz xx
Love youuuu xxxx

I want to hold you and hold you... (alicia keyss)

I totally love that cover :)

It's weird when you are totally sure of something or someone then the smallest thing has to happen to change that.

I have this amazing guy, louis how i totally fell for after he was there for me when i was going through a rough time with scott, we were breaking up after finding out he was cheating on me and it just wasn't working. So Louis was there not judging me for giving it ago, and just being there for me when everything was falling apart. Then we just got closer and closer, and well yeah we ended up together. I thought he was everything, he got on with my parents, he was great to be around, he knew how to make me smile, and was just a great boyfriend. Then he wanted things to move a lot faster than i did, and wanted us to spend a lot more time together that i couldn't give him, with all of my exams, we started arguin about everything and well yeah then it's kind of obvious from there... we split up...

Then i have scott who was great when i was with him. Cute, funny, everything you could ask for, only problem we didn't really get to see each other. But then things went messed up, well they went really messed up. I thought he was cheating on me, the distance wasn't working out, he were starting to drift apart, i guess i ended up feelinh like i couldn't trust him because of small things that went on, lieing about little things that didnt matter but they did in the end.

Now both of them want to be in my life again, but in more ways than as a friend. Until this morning i was absolutely sure i wanted it to be louis then scott was in my head until i had a proper conversation with louis. I'm pretty sure, well more than sure, that i want to make a proper go of things wiht louis, not because i don't care about scott but because of everything that happened before and the reasons why we split up last time, we've just become really close friends again, and i think for now its best that it stayed that way.

Talking with haidee has really helped lol we always talk about our relationship issues :/ She made me realise how much i really do care about louis, and i want to have a fresh start with him.



It won't be easy, i know that because my parents have told me that they don't want us together, but i'm pretty sure it won't take them long to see that he make me happy, and that i want to be with him. If he changes and does what he did before then i won't want to but it will be over then. But i don't know why but most of my friends have changed their minds about him, or seen that i hate being without him because they keep saying that if he makes me happy i should be with him.

Hopefully everything will work out the way i want it too...

Looking forward to cromer after prom should be gooooodd :)

Anyways, thats it

Laterz xx

decisionsss

Over the last couple of days i've seen two sides to louis, the really cute, loving, kind, caring, side that i love and the complete and utter dick that doesn't care about anything other than himself. If i'm totally honest i care about him alot, and i can't believe some of the things he's said especially the part where he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, but he doesn't think he will be able to make it upto me because of what he's done. Hopefully we will be able to sort it out, we getting there and he's getting back to how i know him... which it really good. I know that he is a decent guy, more people should give him a chance. I absolutely hate the fact that he lied to me as he said he never would, and some of the things that were said by both of us, shouldn't of bin said, but well thats the problem with arguements. I want us to get back together, he means a hell of a lot to me. I miss him and our weekends together. Maybe if we have a second chance then we'll do it properly. All i want at the moment is to be with him.

It's good to know someone cares about me, but it's a shame that nothing will happen with us, especially with the distance, and my feelings for louis, i just care about him in a totally different way. Scott makes an amazing friend and i know he has feelings for me, and it's nice to know, but all i see him as is a friend right now, maybe that will change agen one day maybe it wont, but right now my priotity is sorting things out with louis, and seeing if we can get back together, and into a good place. As much as my parents hate that idea, but it's my choice not theirs.

Spoke to laura today for the first time in ages, it's good to hear off of people you haven't spoken to in a long time.

Had a bit of a bad first day back, coz of feeling tired after being ill. But Brenna and Jodie made last lesson amazing. Supply teachers for english should happen more often...especially that old guy he was crazzyyy

-taking the register the teacher calls our JODIE she answers "yes please", he replies "you don't know what i'm offering yet" cringe

and all of brenna's comments everytime he said something were just amazing gotta love that girl.

There was a slight issue with prom dresses today i have no idea why people are gettin them so early but there agen i aint fuss is bout to be honest, i aint bothered about goin to prom. but yeah basically molly bought the dress lizzie thought she'd reserved but hadn't so now molly has it and lizzie has to find another one. GUTTED.

Anyways

laterz xx

Its funny isn't it...

Some people really do turn out to be people you don't recognise, you tell me everything you think i want to hear, just because you think it means i will sleep with you? what a joke. i won't stop talking to someone because you say so, he actually has been there for me something that you never have been. It's weird to think that i actually once cared about you and thought that we had a future together. You've made a mug of me twice it isnt going to happen again. and on top of that you lied and you think i will forgive you... i dont think so somehow. i was wrong about you, i was wrong to stick up for you and i'm glad i've walked away.

T H A N K Y O U

I really do need to say thank you to scott, i wish more guys were like him. He knows how to pick me up when i'm down, make me smile, he really is a good friend. But he is the only person that really doesn't judge me and gives me proper advice.

this might sound weird, but today i have finally felt a sense of freedom, i'm not tied to anyone, i think i've finally escaped my feelings for louis. right now things are starting to go good again, but i know this for sure i want to get out of here as soon as possible to get away from everything bad thats happened.

i don't know if i want to go to college anymore, i know this means i've changed my mind again, but i don't know if thats where i really want to be anymore, but if i don't go to college i'll need to find a job, and most probably have to start paying for stuff for myself, because my parents would hate it if i don't go to college. but i don't think i can go through the pressure of these exams anymore. plus i'll be 17 three months after september, which means i'll be able to learn to drive, which is a huge positive.

right now, i'm not going to focus on having a relationship with anyone, i'm just going to concentrate on my exams, if that happens it will happen, but at the moment i am happy, being single, i've got great friends, and i finally feel like i'm getitng somewhere, like i'm growing up.

the only worrying thing about saying i don't want a relationship right now is, i'm starting to get that feeling again, where all you want to do is talk to that person, but the distance was too much and it probably would be again, everytime i send him a text i can wait for his reply... I guess maybe if this can all wait till i'm past my exams and i can drive, maybe will can have a future then... at least then we would have a chance, but till then this will have to wait... hopefully it does... i know one thing i'm really missing you like i used to.



The memories that song has...

back to school tomorrow, no more freedom, i am gonna actually draw up a timetable so that i know i'm going to get everything done!

My main priorities from now on:

1. Coursework and revision

2. My friends and family

=2. Scott (he comes into his own section, hes more than a friend, not part of my family, but isn't my boyfriend or anything)

3. Me time!

I'm not going to worry about anything else. I've got everything i need, i just need to make it the most that i can.


laterz xx

Technorati

UJ7B89ZYJEVE

Verification code :)

Laterz x

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I can see this is going to be a bit of a ramble so feel free to STOP NOW!



"I'd Rather"

I thought sometime alone
was what we really needed
you said this time would hurt more than it helps
but I couldn't see that
I thought it was the end
of a beautiful story
and so I left the one I loved at home to be alone (alone)
and I tried to find
out if this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoo-oo-oo-oo yeah

And then I met someone
and thought she could replace you
we got a long just fine
we wasted time because she was not you
we had a lot of fun
though we knew we were faking
love was not impressed with our connection built on lies, all lies
so I'm here cause I found this one thing is true
that I'm nothing without you
I know better now
and I've had a change of heart

I'd rather have bad times with you, than good times with someone else
I'd rather be beside you in a storm, than safe and warm by myself
I'd rather have hard times together, than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
who holds my heart

I can't blame you if you turn away from me, like I've done you,
I can only prove the things I say with time,
please be mine,

I'd rather have bad times with (please be mine) you,
than good times with someone else (I know)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (anytime),
than safe and warm by myself (so sure baby)
I'd rather have hard times to gether,
than to have it easy apart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart (my heart)

I'd rather have bad times with you (surely),
than good times with someone else (surely)
I'd rather be beside you in a storm (oh yeah),
than safe and warm by myself (all by myself)
I'd rather have hard times together,
than to have it easy apart (you know it)
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart

I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
I'd rather have the one who holds my heart
whoooo.....who holds my heart

The lyrics incase you can't be bothered to listen to it ;)

Well to be honest, i need to be honest with myself, and two guys.

I hopefully neither of them read this before i get to talk to them but if they do then, i can't really help that seeing as i usually write stuff here to make it clear in my head.

Scott,
-I'm sorry but right now, and i doubt that i ever will have feelings for you like i did before. I've probably seemed like thats what i wanted the last couple of days and it's unfair to lead you on. I need you as a friend, thats how we work best. YOU WILL find someone one day, just don't go looking for it, let that person come to you, i just don't think thats me, you a pearl didn't work out, (this is going to sound harsh but i did say in the beginning of this post that i was going to be honest) and tbh I'm glad you didn't work out, thats why we broke up because of her, that probably sounds really out of order but its the truth, and to tell you the truth, she seemed a bit of a cow (no intention to offend you) and you deserve better. Well i can't really say much for jazz but you couldn't really see things going terrible well with you and her if you were telling me you loved me, really... I don't want to lose you as a friend especially as we are so close but that's all we can be. You'll probably be pissed at me but you needed to know this.

Louis,
- Now this is when it get complicated really, it's unbelieveably (who cares if i spelt that word right) scary to think that i care about you this much. You were right i was dneying it everytime i told you i didn't but i guess everytime i was trying to get you out of my head, and everytime i thought i was something would remind me of you or us and then you would be the main thing i thought about. You've said you want me back, and well you know that i want that too, but things aren't going to be easy, firstly because of the people who will be against us being together (kind of obvious that one) and because there are somethings we'll need to work out. But if you want this as much as i do then we'll be able to sort it out. If you don't think we can or you are only saying the things i want to here then please walk away now, i can't have you messing with my head any more than you already have. I've said this to you before, i want to be there for you through the good an bad and not just walk away when things are hard, i mean what i say when i say i care about you, we're teenagers we don't really honestly know what love is but if this is it i'm not going to let it slip away from me, if i have a chance to see what real love is then i want to see what it's like. I really want this but only if it is for the right reasons.

Friends,
- You are going to make it hard, because i know what you think about everything thats gone on between me and louis, you haven't really kept that a secret to be honest :P but i want this and i want to be happy, so what you say won't change my oppinion of him, give him a chance, he's a good guy, you just haven't really managed to see that with whats happened.

Family,
- Well you pretty much are the same as the friends one but I really need you to take a step back on this one and take my judgement as the best one for this, i really do.


Anyways,

Laterz xx

Ps. maybe next time i'll be able to say that 'we' are together again, maybe not but what ever happens all you guys will find out ;)

S C O T T C O L L I N S

I know things between us ended badly, and i know that until we are able to see each other properly there isn't a way we could be together like we were, but maybe one day we can go back to that some day and make a proper go of it. You are a really good guy, and you truely do care about the people around you, it's a shame some people treat you the way they do, you deserve better. You know how to cheer people up, and you know the right things to say. I'm glad we've managed to sort things out after everything, and become close again, it means alot to me.

Laterz xx

why do youu do this??

Right well that doesn't confuse me at all does it... one day your telling me how you want to be with me and that you want to sort everything out then today you don't even talk to me...what am i supposed to think. You know i miss us why can't you be honest at least rather than say things that you obviously don't mean, and if you do mean them why give out mixed messages? If you truely want us to get back together you need to prove it because i'm tired of you saying things you don't mean and going back on them, if i could then yes i would get back with you, i know most people would be against it, including my parents :/ but thats something we could deal with, you are a decent guy i wish other people would see it too, rather than telling me how wrong i am for even contemplating this, and telling me i was stupid in the first place, and i wish you would actually stop giving me mixed messeges. maybe you'll see this maybe you won't but you know, i care about you, and you know that i would give us a go again but it has to be for the right reasons (ex case number 1)

Well you've said it before, and now your saying it again... we finally sort things out and we're close again, is it worth risking that?? or is it just a reboung thing because you're single again, if it's not... things didn't work last time coz well look what you did (her?) and theres the whole distance thing, truthfully when would we ever see each other? i thought we were good like this, best mates... why fix somethign that isn't broken? it's good the way it is, maybe one day we will have back what we once had but we can't unless we are able to see each other properly, and anyways i don't have feelings for you like i used to...sorry... (ex case number 2)

why do people do this... just when you think everything is sorted they go and say things like, i want you back? or can we sort things out and get back to how we used to be? or you know that i love you i made a mistake? or i was stupid to let you go? I ain't trying to be funny but why did it end up like it did then, why did you screw it up, why did you walk away when it got hard, why did you think about cheating let alone doing it?

Lol worked today :) filling in a spreadsheet is easy money :D gotta do a party tomorrow if it doesn't rain (fingers crossed it doesn't)

I hate not having any credit in times like this :@

maybe things will work out maybe that won't, but i'd like it to sort it's self out soon. I really do miss us and spending time with you how we used to but i dunno what to think about that anymore just wish you would explain properly sometime soon would be nice too. I've bin open to you, can't you do the same to me too??

Anyways

Laterz xx

http://www.facebook.com/facemoods

http://www.facebook.com/facemoods

Check it out! Facebook chat application, just need to download and install

laterz xx

I miss youuu :(

Hmmm, well it's weird to think we were totally over then he goes and says all of this and it just brings everything back :/ I mean why couldn't he leave it? Bringing everythign back isn't good, well not right now anyways... and even if we did get back together everyone would be dead set against it, my parents wouldn't let me see him and i dont know if theres much point going through it all again, you can say it will be different, but how do i know it actually will, you can say you never meant any of it, but the truth is there was a reason why you said it. Now i can't forget about him... Like i said to him before i do care about him, but can we go back to how we were? i dont know if thats possible, but it'd be hard. I want us back together but i don't know if it would work, if it truly would be good for both of us, or if we're just trying to go back to something that we know we wont have back. why are things so confusing... I want him back, but can things be good this time, will other people make it hard?, will he walk away like last time? Love is a big word, maybe this is maybe its not how does anyone know, but what i do know is i care about him, and if he wants this and we can sort it out then i'll be waiting...

bin an alright day till that ^^ little issue (louis :/), poor scott :( bless him, you know if you need me i'm here :)

I'm working tomorrow and staying at my uncles tomorrow night coz i'm working friday as well, only problem i cant find my work shirt :/

well thats it...

laterz xx

sorryyy....

I know i promised to post the other video and that but i haven't had time to post, so you know... anyways here's some more things that i've done:




Basically the idea of it was to create a video about knife crime from the victims point of view, i dunno if it works or not.... :/

Well i didn't have a valentine for valentine's day but i know alot of people did so i made this to a good love song, well i think it's good anyways :), here it is:



Now, I have made another video, and it took todays to make because i kept changing my mind about it, editing it adding different photos, etc but this is how it ended up:




You can see it isn't like my other videos, lately i've realised how much i really do need my close friends so i thought i could maybe make a small thanks, whether it doe sit or not i dont know, but i hope they like it :)

It's quite funny how some people turn out really, i saw someone today that i hadn't seen in ages and they didnt even say hello back :( oh well you can't win everyone can you :)

Today i had a really good day with my sister, we never really spend anytime together so it was good to go into town with her, (and she paid for everything :D lol) the best bits where:

buying millies cookies, 6 of them to be exact (!) Tash stands there ready to pay and i say really loudly, your hungry today aren't you, the woman didn't look to amused (lol)

buying some books in waterstones, again 6 of them (got a thing about that number), Tash stands there ready to pay (again!) and i say really loudly again, you like reading don't you Tash, then the woman then says sarcastically you want a bag for those (lol)

then we went back into waterstones coz i wanted to get another book for blender (long story) and Tash looks through the other books and pulls a katie price book out of the box and says i wonder how much thats bin reduced to (lol)

Well tuesday tomorrow goin shopping with the parents, well at least it mean there'll be some chocolate and other random junk food for the rest of half term :) then i plan to sit down and actually make a good animation, well at least start one, i need to think of an idea...

I've start to get really interested in video editing, animations and random graphics again recently and i seem to of got better, well i leave you to be the judge of that :)

anyways, i haven't got much else to say really, so...

laterz xx

well...

so i got a new program yesterday, sony vegas pro 9.0 and i wanted to try it out and see what it could do. I've got a youtube account so i thought why not make something that everyone could see, so this is what came of it:



I thought that bullying is a big topic, i'm a cybermentor, so why not? I made another one but haven't had time to upload it yet, so i'll post it tomorrow!

I've decided i'm going to post more videos on youtube now that i've got a better program.

Things are finally back on track, yes i'm single and yes i'm actually happy about it, i have some really close mates now and who would have thought that one of those would actually include one of the people that had once hurt me the most! I guess seeing another side of him and going back to being mates is easy for us because we forgave each other, and well me and louis haven't quite got to that stage yet, but we're working on it. Me and scott (or scoot :P lol) seem to have made a fresh start and being this close to him again is actually quite good, especially as i thought that it would never happen! Thats one of the best things about friendship, you can go through so much together, good and bad but you still have each other to rely on. Yeah, i'm not going to say people should fall out but in some cases it makes you stronger.

Just like another very special friend of mine! We've gone through a major fall out last year but now i know that i can rely on her, and that what ever i need whether its cheering up or just some advice she'll be there. Thats the best thing about friendship people are there for you in different ways, me and scott can't be there for each other in person but we can be with advice and just talking and having a laugh. Where as me and bethany can be there for each other whatever we need whenever we need it. I'm not saying those two are my only closest friends but those two right now are the ones who i have gone through the most ups and downs with and probably know the most about me, because i can be open with them, as well as be myself around them, which is probably the best thing!

Friendhsip is deffiantely one of the things i'm most thankful for.

Aanyways,

Laterz xx

"But if you really love me, like you say you love me then baby take me as I am"

It's hard when you think you love someone but you don't know if it will work or is best for both of you.

3 months he waited
1 month together
3 weeks apart

Back together or not?? If it was my choice then yeah, but people make it harder and you have to decide whats best for everyone. Nothing will go back to how it was before, an i know i dont want to lose him out of my life. Yes, i still care about him, but i dont know if he actually still cares about me, it's easy to say it but it's hard to prove it. Then theres everything that gets said, people talking, messing your head around.

So...

YES i care about him
YES given the chance i probably would give it another chance

But i don't know if it's right or not, alhtough i only can to be with him if he wants me for who i am and not everything else thats been said.

I know people won't want to see us back together, but i guess it's not their choice, it's ours, if there's a way to fix it then i want to know what it is, but i don't know if there is a way.

Euugghhh i hate life, maybe it's too late.

laterz xx