Wish I could go back, go back, take back, all the words

My blog has become a bit irregular at the moment; this is due to the amount of essays I’ve been given recently, apparently now that our exams are out of the way all of my teachers have decided that we need to overload on essays...

I keep changing my mind about college and after the first day of careers week I’m starting to think I would be better off staying in college for the next year and a bit because of my dream to go to uni as I would never really be able to do this if I don’t finish college. So I’m now thinking about the long term as now the exams are out of the way I’m enjoying it more even though everything is really crazy with the deadlines, but then I love being busy and having things to do. This has become even more apparent as my career idea has changed as I was talking to one of our media technicians about what he did at uni and it sounds like my kind of thing. He’s one of those people who it’s really easy to talk to about that kind of thing.

Tuesday’s are a bad day at college for me though because I only have two lessons but I have to be there all day so it feels really long, add that on to waiting for a bus that is always late it makes it feel a bit pointless. That’s probably part of my problem with college at the moment is I have so much free time. But I am dealing with that as I am signing up for some of the extracurricular courses, the first one I have signed up for is the Health Champions one and I’m really enjoying it and the other people doing it I don’t really know so I am meeting new people too, which is always a bonus.

I’m really looking forward to this weekend, and spending some time with people I haven’t seen in a while.

Everyone is still going on about my 18^th so I have been thinking about it too, I have thought about what I’d like from my parents as they said they will buy me something more expensive than usual my ideas so far have been a bearded dragon – I have always loved reptiles so maybe it’s about time I have one of my own, a parrot – I’ve always been intrigued by how intelligent they are and I’ve wanted one ever since I saw the program the queens nose when I was little, money – to save for uni/ invest in something, or maybe something completely different altogether.

I hate all the decisions you have to make in life, what happens if you choose the wrong one?

Scott really worried my last night he came off of his trampoline and ended up in hospital, and ended up having to go back today because he collapsed when he was at school. But because he hasn’t been eating and drinking properly he made everything 10 times worse. Something like that makes you realise how much you really care about someone, and wish I could be there for him in person and not have this distance in the way! But then again it won’t be forever. His friend Jazz keeps talking to me, she is also his ex, and she keeps making it seem like they always flirt with each other, and are really close. It’s really getting to me. Valentine’s day this year is going to feel worse than being single because I won’t be able to see Scott yet I will see other couples being together like we should be.

I’m coming down with something too which isn’t helping anything, I just need to be able to sleep and let my body recover.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

^{Title: Back Words – JoJo}

This is a radio message

Last night I had ringing practise and I’m still improving and learning new things. I am now successfully able to ring down, although I’m still getting used to how much effort is needed to ring up. I am now able to play rounds pretty successfully and I am just getting the hang of playing hunt, but the calls confuse me. I also rang on 5^th, which is the second heaviest bell, ringing that one up involved ALOT of effort but I managed to do it.... just about!

This morning I decided I would actually stay in bed for a decent amount of time and not get up and rush around, consequently I don’t feel as tired and warn out, massive bonus.

The majority of the day was spent looking around several pet shops as my Dad decided he wants to have a fish tank. Eventually he found one that he liked and would fit where he wanted it to go, but apparently he isn’t going to have the ‘Dory’ fish and the ‘Nemo’ fish..... this has left me quite annoyed as he wouldn’t get the turtle tank and get turtles instead of fish apparently he didn’t see the fact they were more interesting and that little bit different.

I managed to get my Mum to give me the money to buy the last 6 books in The Morganville Vampire Book Series that I have been reading. I think they are really good, I don’t normally read but this is something that I can actually focus on for longer than five minutes.

Plus I managed to get my Mum to also buy all of a KFC which was a huge plus because I haven’t had one in ages!

I’m definitely going to be able to the bowling and meal with my friends next Saturday as my parents said they would give me the money. I’m really looking forward to it because I haven’t seen half the people who are going in ages and it’ll be good to get out for once.

So all in all it’s been a good day.

Tomorrow I’m going to face my college work.... Not that I don’t want to but if I don’t keep up for the time being and I don’t get the job/ apprenticeship then I’ll be stuffed anyways and I’ll have to drop out.

I have a slight problem about my apprenticeship interview next Wednesday apparently our college ILP interviews are in the afternoon and that’s when my interview is so I’m going to have to have a problem with one of them and I may have to pick which is more important.

-over and out -

Love you xxx

^{Title: Radio message by R. Kelly}

Here’s for not knowing whether to give up or to keep trying harder

Well the last 24 hours have been eventful in the wrong way, everything just blew up.

Me and Scott managed to fight over nothing, which is becoming a common occurrence recently, I don’t like it especially as we never used to fight at all and now it’s all we do. In the end I turned my phone of and shut myself away and went to bed as that was the only thing I could do that would mean I wouldn’t do something I would end up regretting. Sometimes it seems he can say something or do something and it should be fine but if I do it then all hell breaks loose. This issue just seemed to top my day off yesterday.

My dad seems to of made it his mission in life to make me feel generally rubbish about everything I do because I have told him I don’t want to be at college and want to quit, he obviously thinks this is the wrong thing for me to do, to be honest the arguments are now just becoming a point scoring opportunity because we don’t even argue about me staying at college it just ends up being about how I’m a terrible person, I’m generally useless and that I’m not going to make anything of myself. Part of me thinks he’s right though and that I’ll regret quitting college.

College felt really long today, I was there all day and didn’t have a single free although missing my free was worth it, I have taken up a mini course where by the time I finish it I’ll become a ‘Health Champion’ sounds pretty impressive doesn’t it... basically we learn all the stuff about drugs & sex and then go around to other schools and talk to people about and we get a qualification out of it at the end.

Me and Shona have had a majorly good chat since we left college today and she’s cheered me up a bit and made me feel better about everything, she keeps trying to convince me to stay at college because she doesn’t want me to leave her in media.

That’s about it for today really.

Laterz xo

Love you, hopefully this all sorts out soon xxx

An average day with some big thoughts and unmade decisions

Life is pretty lame at the moment; the minute I think I’ve solved everything something else happens which makes me doubt the decision... I’m talking about college again. My whole family keep telling me that I’m making a mistake and that I’ll regret it and so does everyone else. I wish someone would tell me what to do and make me do it because I hate making decisions especially when they will affect my life.

Two nights in a row now that I haven’t been able to talk to Scott, well at least I got to speak to him on the phone for 20 minutes I guess that’s better than nothing.

I hate the fact that everywhere I turn at college there are couples together, because it just makes me think of how that should be me and Scott... I guess that’s part of the reason why I hate being there too. Plus the fact I don’t get on with many people, the subjects being boring, having way too much free time with no one to spend it with as I’m avoiding Lizzie and Cat because they only want to talk about their horses which is okay for the first 5 minutes but after that it gets boring.

I hope I get at least an interview at this job I’ve applied for because it’ll be a good opportunity to get away from all that, but then everyone else wants me to stay at college because ‘I can put up with all the other stuff’ quote my Dad, basically I’ll let everyone down if I drop out and live a miserable life.

Plus if I quit college I’ll feel like I’m letting people down in a way but I’ve just had enough of it.

I had a majorly long time to wait till I could be picked up because I finish at 12.20 but I don’t normally get picked up until at least 3. But most people have a free like me but have to go to lessons at half 2 so I wasn’t alone for all that long. I spent time with Abbey, Matt, Jake, Max, Milly and Sam although Milly and Sam were too busy eating each other to really notice anyone else. They’ve basically just got together but as me and a couple of other people said if they carry on just eating each other they aren’t going to last for very long because they’ll get bored of it. Anyways back to what I was saying Max and Jake basically kept us all entertained with some funny comments about everything and everyone.

Everyone thinks there is something majorly wrong with me I’m just trying to balance everything up in my head again.

I have a packed day at college tomorrow, four full lessons… wish me luck!

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

Sometimes you have to just let things go they way they are going to go…. it works

Well all of a sudden I’ve started to sort things out for myself.

I’m quitting college either for a fulltime job (depending on how the application form goes) or for an apprenticeship (depending on how the interview goes). I’m not making a rash decision I’ve thought about it for a while and finally it feel s like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders and I feel like I can be happy.

Can’t really speak to Scott tonight, but things between us are slowly working out too. Which as most people will guess I’m really happy about because I care about him so much. Maybe.... and I mean maybe we’ll be able to see each other more soon, especially if things work out the way I want them too.

I hate hoping something will happen in one way because usually it never does, so I never get my hopes up, but I really want this to happen in the way I hope it does but I still think it won’t but, I guess all I can do is keep my fingers crossed and HOPE.

I didn’t go to college today, I actually hate it there and I don’t think anyone else gets it. It’s just not how I thought it would be, I don’t have any real close friends there anymore, there is always some kind of drama, people constantly bitching about something or another and it just gets to the point where I think... SERIOUSLY? Add to the fact I really don’t see the point of the fact everything I have learnt in college I could have found out from the internet or a book, there is nothing there where they teach you about anything real in life, so hence why I want to leave, which is looking like it should be happening and soon at that. I know I’ll miss some people but if they are the people I think they are then they will keep in touch then they aren’t worth the hassle.

I’m in a good mood but if you cross me then I bite your head off kind of mood and at the moment it’s working out quite well and I’m managing to keep peace between a number of people. Quite a few old friends have recently got back in touch and I think that has put me in a good mood too.

Laterz xo

Love you; I’m glad we’re sorting this out together! xxxx

This love messes with my head

I don’t really know what to say in this post to be honest; it’s been a bit like that recently with people. Someone will say something to me and I won’t really know what to say back.

This weekend has felt like it’s been really fast and I haven’t even started my college work, I have a major lack of motivation because I don’t want to be there right now. But if I don’t go then I’ll have even less of a chance of getting into university than I already have. Plus my mum and dad said I can’t drop out of college unless I have a full time job which I fair enough, only problem being there aren’t any jobs at the moment.

Still all people are talking about is my 18^th, all that’ll end up happening is there will be a major hype around it and nothing will even happen. It’s usually that way when something is based around me. I’m definitely getting a tattoo though and about 5/6 people said they would go with me either because they want one too or because they want to see me get it done.

I went to Lincolnshire today because my dad needed to pick something up, basically this involved me just sitting in the car for 3 hours, which gave me a great opportunity to finish reading the book I’ve been reading since before Christmas but because of various thing and losing the book I never got a chance to finish it. It was a really good book.

Me and Scott are going through a thing at the moment were one minute everything is okay the next minute nothing is okay. Hopefully it’ll all be sorted out soon. I really miss him and the fact we’re not seeing each other for three months really isn’t helping that fact. Plus other people saying stuff and telling me I might as well just be with someone round here doesn’t help either, because I don’t want to be with someone round here because they aren’t Scott.

Me and some friends are sorting out going out together because we’re all bored of the routine of college and life so we’re trying to make it more exciting by actually doing stuff. We’re hoping to be able to go to the seaside at some point in the summer which will be great. Maybe go away together or something, plus a few people are arranging parties which could be good too.

Well the rest of tonight will be filled with talking to people, getting a takeaway, sorting out my college stuff, and watching TV.

Not a lot else to say...

Laterz xo

Love you xxxx

Welcome to my silly life…

I’m getting behind on writing this; it seems to be slipping in my list of priorities.

Not a lot is really happening, well actually a lot has happened but it probably won’t seem like a lot to most people.

I spent two and a half hours on the phone to Scott last night and though we didn’t really talk about my problems I’ve thought about them and how I am. The conversation wasn’t really a happy one but it made me realise how much I really do love and care about him. Things are really tough for him at the moment, and I know that he finds it hard to deal with stuff and I get that, but I was really surprised by how much he had bottled up and not said anything about.

A few things I’m going to change about myself because it’s not fair on the people around me when I just explode because I haven’t told people how I feel and just keep it to myself, so from now on I’m going to start telling people what I’m thinking and feeling. Especially now I know that Scott feels like I’m pushing him away by not telling him this stuff.

Anyways on to happy things.

I’ve been asked to go to Silverstone with some of my mates (Matt, Milly, Hannah and maybe Alex) to watch the F1 in July basically a weekend where we all go watch some racing and camp together, sounds good the only snag is to go I need to get £150 together which I don’t think I’ll be able to. BUT as me and a few of my friends were talking about how we haven’t seen people who have gone to other colleges recently we are arranging to go out together and meet up with everyone again and go bowling and have dinner which will be good to get out and do something.

I’m still searching for a job but I can’t find anything. Although that search may become more serious as I keep considering quitting college although if I do I won’t be able to go to uni, and every time I think of that I think of every reason I should stay at college so I’m definitely staying.

Everyone keeps asking me about my 18^th and what I’m going to do, I still have no ideas really, apart from I’ve always said I would mark it by getting a tattoo that would symbolise my life up to my 18^th birthday or one that would symbolise me or stuff that I believe in. Although that might not happen now as I found out Scott hates tattoos so I don’t want to do something that he wouldn’t like, especially as its permanent.

Other than that I’ve never really thought about my 18^th birthday or how to celebrate it, especially as whatever I decide to do Scott more than likely won’t be able to be a part of one because he wouldn’t be able to be there, so I haven’t really thought about it. I was thinking about going for a meal but I’d want Scott to be there, especially as we’ll have been together for so long by then and because of everything we’ve been through together, not to mention that it’ll be my 18^th. I don’t know really it won’t feel that great if he isn’t there, it puts off planning stuff because I’ll only be 18 once and I didn’t do anything for my 16^th or 17^th because I wanted my 18^th to be special but it won’t be that great if Scott can’t be there. Especially as we don’t get to share most special occasions together that other people take for granted. Plus on top of all that none of my mates will be 18 so I can’t really do the whole get drunk thing that most people would do, so it really narrows everything down to be honest, I might just not do anything.

Anyways, thats about it.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

^{Title: Pink – F**kin’ Perfect}

My good happy mood is coming back

Today has been surprisingly good even if it has been an incredibly long day.

I always start Tuesday with a free and as glee isn’t on 4OD I’ll have to wait till Saturday/Sunday to watch into on T4 but it also meant I had an hour and a half with NOTHING to do, so I spent most of it texting people and refreshing facebook.

My business lesson was pretty good my teacher Alan, was as funny as always, I heard another one of Zoe’s stories and then lesson was just good because I love it.

I have another free in which me Cat and Lizzie decided to go on a walk around the college and get some weird looks from people sat in their classrooms. But we had a good conversation and got quite hyper.

Last lesson of the day was politics and at the moment I’m enjoying and I’ve decided to stick it out to the end of the year as we’ve now actually got into a good bit of the course and our new teacher teaches to how I learn best so I’m understanding everything now. Which is a bonus and now that I’ve said all that I’ll go into my lesson on Friday and not understand a thing.

I’ve been in a good mood all day which is really good as I haven’t been in this sort of good mood for a while!

Not a lot else to say really,

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

The moment you stop thinking negatively the minute everything becomes a little more positive

Right now life is so boring and predictable it’s all the same, day in day out.

Well I have no more exams till June/July so that’s good. Plus my new politics teacher is really cool. Me and Juelz had a good laugh in it and again in tutor, we’ve got Dave back and our whole form is really happy about it. Media was the usually fun with Ed, Sam and Harriet.

Our relationship hasn’t been great the last few weeks, but it is getting better but most importantly we are sorting it out together, which is what we do. It’s just worrying me how much he’s started to shut me out and not talk to me about stuff recently. Like how things got before we broke up way back the first time we were together because he was telling everyone else it before me especially one person in particular who we ended up breaking up over.

Ahhh sometimes a long distance relationship really does suck, but it’s worth it when we get to see each other, it’s just the bit of time in between everything seems to go crazy and loads of problems start. BUT things for us are finally starting to go good again, I’m not saying that we don’t have our problems because we do but every relationship does. I really care about him and I do love him and I think I’ve realise that even more the more we go through together. I wouldn’t change him for anyone, because I know when I need him most he is always there, he always cares, and he always wants to help me and support me and I would do the same for him.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do for my 18^th, it seems ages away to organise it because it’s in November but I guess I haven’t done anything for my 16^th or 17^th so it would be good to make my 18^th memorable, I want to come up with something different, and seeing as none of my mates will be 18 around then as all their birthdays are later we can’t all go into any bars or clubs, well I could because my cousin said she would take me. But I want to do something with my family too, decisions I’ve never been any good with them.

Things seem to be improving a lot at the moment, college is more enjoyable, I’m getting more friends there, I’m finding things to fill my time and I’m thinking about things in a more positive way which is good.

Not a lot else to say really,

Laterz xo

Love you xxx

Oppertunites Arrive

Well today hasn't really been that exciting.


Things with Scott are still a bit... But we are working through everything, together, which is the important thing! Things are improving slowly, the distance is causing a bit of a strain on us at the moment but there is no way I want us to end. The next months I'm sure will fly by so that in 3 months time we will be together again and by that time we'll be together for a year, which has flown by really fast. I was thinking back through the last year and our relationship and we have had our ups and downs and we've always got through them together like I know we will this time.

I have applied for another job so I'm hoping something goes in my favour soon.
This weekend has practically gone already and I haven't really done anything with the two days. Oh well back to college tomorrow, and it's a full day so it'll feel like it's going on forever.

We were told last week to seriously start thinking about university and what we want to do at which university. Every time I look at a prospectus my mind changes about where my first choice would be but I definitely know I want to study some form of business but I haven't got much further than that. I know that I want to go down south to study as well I really like the look of Bournemouth but I don't think I'll get the grades to get in there so I was looking at Plymouth University which I think I would be more successful at getting into.
We have careers week in two weeks time so my decision to go to university could be totally reversed.

I’m working on a business plan at the moment for an idea my dad had, fingers crossed it could work out.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxx

Should I stay or should I go

Why is it whenever I tell someone how I really feel about something they seem to jump down my throat about it and then it all turns out to be my fault in the first place? Then people wonder why I never open up about how I feel and why, sort of goes against the whole, I promise I won’t judge you and all of that.

So from now on I’m not going to say how I feel because if I do people always make me feel worse about it.

Enough about all the negative stuff!

I had ringing last night; it was really good but this is the reason why I didn’t post last night. I managed to successfully ring up and ring down several times. So I am making progress, and as my dad found out there is more to bell ringing than most people think.

I’m getting fed up of just sitting round the house all the time so I’m finding things to fill my time with, and I have just landed myself a trial for a basketball team so hopefully that goes well as I actually really want to get in even though getting the trial was quite a surprise. If I get in all I need to do is get myself a job then I’ll have my week nice a busy for a change.

All me and Scott seem to be doing at the moment is arguing, basically I just ruin his life by telling him how I feel, so it’s quite simple I’m not going to tell him anymore. He also doesn’t know about my trial because quite frankly I don’t really think he would care very much. I don’t really know what to do to improve things either.

Other than that life is great... well yeah or not but it’s good to think positively.

Laterz xo

Love you xxx

Things are getting better, at last!

Firstly I want to say that I’m really surprised I have got past my 9 followers stage and I seem to be gaining a few more here and there so hi to all my new followers!

Today has been a really good day after yesterday I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

The reason I didn’t post yesterday is because I was having a majorly bad day due to everything getting on top of me and everyone just getting on about me about loads of things. Basically after I came home from college yesterday I felt really rubbish and just out of it because of all the little things. So once I was at home and everyone kept asking me if I was okay, and that I was acting weird I just exploded and spent most of the evening in tears, I know it probably doesn’t sound good but it actually did me some good. As today I woke up and felt so much happier plus me and Scott are now really good again, apart from him being ill.

Well today has been pretty good. I had my politics exam first thing which literally was first thing as my bus was late which meant I arrived literally in time to do my exam, the paper wasn’t actually that bad but I am still planning on dropping the subject and I have spoken to my teacher about it. I then had a free which I nearly ended up being by myself in as Lizzie was ill and Cat wasn’t going to come in till later, but I then found out Matt and Andrew have the same free. We managed to pass the hour quite well having a laugh and talking about stuff, guys really do gossip as much as us girls. I then had a media lesson which proved to be quite funny and is always good as our teacher Cigdem is really laid back. I ended the day with ICT which is one of those subjects I can do just like that which meant I spent a lot of the lesson just talking to Joe and Kirsty which was pretty funny it was one of those you had to be their moment s.

So all in all things seem to be okay, I’m looking forward to my business lesson tomorrow as we’re starting the next part of our course.

Laterz xo

Scott – I love you baby, thank you for being there for me the last week even though I have been a complete bitch to you, I really appreciate it. You really are amazing for putting up with what you have from me. I hope I can return what you have done one day and been there for you like you have for me. But we get through everything together like always. I LOVE YOU xxx

You can always count on a little bit of Glee

So I got my full politics mock today and things aren’t looking hopeful for the real exam on Thursday seeing as I got a U in my mock.... and that was with really trying and some revision.

I have two of my favourite lessons tomorrow (media and ICT) then I can go home early, pure BLISS. I actually love Wednesday’s.

Today was pretty good as I had practically no work to do so first lesson in my free I watch the first episode of Glee series 2, it was really good! Then I had business but because of our exam yesterday we got to watch the Hotel Inspector which is actually when you think of it in a business way quite interesting but if you’re just watching it for entertainment I wouldn’t really recommend it. I had another long free because it was on the back of lunch so it felt like forever, but me and Lizzie spend ages just talking about loads of things it was quite good actually, it was one of those conversations where you seem to sort all your problems out without realising it. Last lesson was politics it always seems to drag, I hate it, it’s boring and I just don’t understand it and I’m failing. But my sister picked me up so I didn’t have to wait for the bus which was good.

Had a conversation with Scott on the phone, everything seems pretty shit with us at the moment, if I’m in a good mood he’s generally in a bad mood, if I’m in a bad mood he’s generally in a good mood. It’s down to exams and people just being people and getting in the way, plus life being difficult. We have had several little arguments over the last couple of days over stupid little things but I guess it has taught us that talking is better than bottling everything up, after all a problem shared is a problem halved.

Not a lot else to say really, my life isn’t that exciting at the moment.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxx

Please don’t ask me if I’m okay when I don’t really know myself

Well I didn’t write anything yesterday because I was doing some hardcore revision. I had a business exam today and only my mum said good luck to me... I think the really long intense revision session may have paid off though. There were only two questions that I couldn’t do as I didn’t know the equations but I gave them a go anyways.

My mood has been all over the place the last couple of days and everyone has been asking me if I’m okay. Seriously when I’m feeling like this for people to keep asking that it really is annoying. I don’t really know what’s wrong, I just keep thinking about all the little things and it’s just making me feel really rubbish about everything.

I feel really bad though because I have taken most of the last few days out on Scott and I shouldn’t because it isn’t his fault. I guess I’m feeling slightly, I don’t really know what word would fit here best, because I won’t be able to see Scott for 3 months now as his Florida trip is in February half term so we can’t see each other then so we’ll have to wait till Easter. Oh well all good things come to those who wait as they say.

I have a pretty relaxed day tomorrow at college, so that should be okay.

Everywhere I turn at the moment everyone keeps arguing and it’s really annoying because you have to tread carefully around everyone or otherwise they start on you.

Not much else to say....

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

Sometimes a day isn’t good or bad, today has been one of those days

I am officially not pregnant; this is good news... really good news. I feel bad for my cousin though as she has bought me a test and I don’t need it.

I have exams next week so I decided to address this by having a relaxing day. Maybe not a good idea but it has helped me in several ways. Firstly I have manages to watch the dvd I got last week but didn’t get a chance to watch. Secondly I’ve managed to make progress on a puzzle I’ve started. Thirdly I’ve kind of started sorting out my head.

So in a way the day has been productive.

Tomorrow I do plan on doing some revision. However I know for a fact that there is no chance of me passing my politics exam no matter how much revision I do as I just don’t get it at all, I haven’t since we started the course, no matter how much extra work I do I just can’t take any of it in. So I’m going to talk to my form tutor about dropping it and if I can’t it will be the one I drop at the end of the year anyways, so either way I’m dropping it whether I can drop it a few months early or not. I just don’t see the point sitting an exam for a subject I won’t pass.

I don’t really feel like I fit in at college. I don’t have any really close friends anymore everyone has sorted of got their own groups of friends. I don’t fit into any of them. But I’m not going to drop out of college because of it.

Bell ringing last night didn’t happen but I have my first lesson at the church next Friday at half 7 with Mr Ling (that is his actual name; I thought it was really cool).

I seem to have loads of little things that have all piled up and have just made one massive complicated mess in my head and in trying to work it out this afternoon I ended up in tears. It wasn’t exactly the best thing in the world to do but I did kind of feel better afterwards.

I really need to sort out this job situation but it’s kind of hard to get a job when there isn’t any being advertised. I need the money to pay for lessons and to be able to see Scott.

I’m hoping I can see Scott in February half term, although I don’t know whether it will be him coming here or me going to him, and if it is me going to him how I’ll get there seeing as me and my dad aren’t speaking and I have no money (although hopefully the no money one will be sorted soon).

Me and my dad have a very rocky relationship, we’ve never been really close and we argue about everything. So I tend to just avoid him when possible, plus every conversation we ever seem to have is strained and he always talks to me as though I’m stupid. My dad actually doesn’t know anything about me either, it’s quite funny sometimes.

Laterz xo

Love you xxx

Little things can have big consequences

Well, it’s Friday and it’s been one of those weeks where I’m SO glad that it is Friday. It needs to be Friday; this week has been too long. A week without Scott is long and week with him is short.... SUCKS

Anyways today, hasn’t been very exciting. I had a mock first thing, it was politics and well I don’t need to get the results back to know that I will have failed. Then I had a free on my own and I actually did something productive, I managed to do some revision for my business exam which will be on Monday (major panic happening at the moment), my business teacher thinks that I’ll get an A so I’m trying to get that grade because I’ve finally decided on the course I want to do at Uni and business is what I want to do because it is something that I get and can do without too much effort, plus it would be pretty good to have a degree in business. I finished my day with a business lesson coincidently. We basically had 1 to 1 things with our teacher about our most recent mocks that we did my feedback was good and basically what he had said to me before. So basically we had an hour and a half of revising but everyone seemed to just talk. Me and Zoe had a pretty good conversations, it was one of those general talks about our lives, it was pretty good to just talk about everything.

On my way home from college I handed in my CV into Halfords, they seemed to like me hopefully that will go in my favour and they will offer me an interview.

Pregnancy panic is still happening, although Scott isn’t anymore well he said he isn’t. It isn’t fun, I know what people probably think about this, but it’s happening and until I know for sure I’ll still be panicking about whether I am or not because if I am it will affect my life greatly, but if I’m not it won’t change anything well it will in a way because it’s made me think about a lot of things differently. It’s weird how things like this can change how you think. The hard thing about this is the fact that it will affect me and Scott, neither of us want a baby, but we have to be responsible for our actions, and if Scott doesn’t want it, I don’t want to bring it up on my own, it would be too hard. But then I wouldn’t want him to be tied to me because we have a child together. It would make everything so complicated if I was actually pregnant... I think in some ways I’m trying to convince myself that I won’t be but the only way I’ll know is to do a test. I can’t do a test without my parents finding out because I’ll have to get one, and my parents would freak out if they think I could be pregnant. Little mistakes can have MASSIVE consequences. But I definitely don’t think that I would be able to get rid of it if I was pregnant I just couldn’t see myself doing that so if Scott really doesn’t want a baby, then I don’t know what we would do. There will be so many effects on everything if I am pregnant, I wouldn’t be able to stay at home because there isn’t enough room for a baby, I wouldn’t be able to stay at college because it just wouldn’t work, then there is paying for all the stuff, looking after a baby... I’m just not ready for all of that not yet; I’m just hoping that I’m not pregnant. But there is only so long that I can keep level headed and be calm about it. I’m reassuring Scott which in a way is reassuring myself that everything will all be okay, but there is this little niggling feeling that something isn’t right.

I’m waiting for parts of an Amazon order I made using all of my Christmas money. One part arrived today it was a charm for my charm bracelet that my sister got me; it’s a little silver guitar which has some gems in it. It’s really cool. I’m still waiting for about 4/5 books to turn up which is really annoying because I’m want to read them; I’m too lazy to go into town to buy them.

The reason why I’ve written this earlier than usual is because I’m going bell ringing tonight, I thought after Scott’s dad’s lessons I should put them to good use and actually go, so that’s where I will be from 7.30-9pm tonight. – Then it’ll be straight to bed!

Laterz xo

Love you xxxx

Sometimes with a new year you don’t get the new start you’d hoped for

Right, I don’t really know what to write in this post, everything all of a sudden feels really...

First things first, me and Scott have now been together for 9 months (that time frame doesn’t feel too great at the moment but I’ll come on to that in a bit). Things haven’t always been great for us, but we always manage to get through them together. He is really great because no matter what is going on for him he’s always there for me and there really aren’t that many guys around who are like that. I am really lucky to have him.

College feels really weird at the moment, I don’t feel like I’m close to anyone again, like I fit into any of the friendship groups that I used to feel really a part of. Maybe that’s just growing up. I feel like taking the easy way out and dropping out but that won’t help me in the future, and also like Scott said there really isn’t that long left anyways.

The reason why 9 months doesn’t feel great is because at the moment I’m facing the prospect of being pregnant. This isn’t something I have ever planned and I’m freaking out about it and so is Scott because both of our parents would kill us if I actually was. There is still a chance that I might not be but the more I think about it the more it seems a possibility. I know what people think about teenage pregnancies but this really wasn’t planned and wasn’t like that, we aren’t those kind of people. Neither of our parents know at the moment but if it goes on any longer then I’ll have to say something because I’ll have to do a test, how do you break that to your parents? Plus as Scott is panicking so much about it I don’t really have time to think about it until I’m on my own because I’m always trying to convince him it isn’t likely to happen which probably isn’t the best thing as when you’re alone thousands of possibilities go through your head.

That and exams really don’t go too well, I’m hoping both me and Scott can forget about it over the next week or so while we do exams because I don’t want to fail them and have more things to worry about and I don’t want him to either.

Sometimes listening to other people’s problems makes your own seem bearable and means you can forget about your own for a while...

I’m going to hand in my CV at another potential job opportunity tomorrow, Halfords it isn’t ideal but it could be interesting and at the end of the day a job is a job, plus I really need the money. Hopefully (with everything crossed) something will come out of it.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxxx

I’ve never felt this tired

So the second day back at college and I’m still definitely not getting used to the whole getting up at half six thing, I like my bed therefore I should be a loud to stay in it until I feel it is necessary for me to leave it.

I only had a half day at college but ended up staying all day due to my dad being late picking me up, he was held up at work or something.

I have a mountain of revision and homework to get through, it doesn’t look very likely at the moment due to how tired I am and how much work there is.

Everyone seems to be getting meetings at the moment so they can drop out of college, seems like a great idea to me right now. The only thing stopping me is the fact I wouldn’t get any qualifications and the fact we’ve only really basically got one year left now anyways.

Not a lot else to say really.

Laterz xo

Love you xxxx

2+0+1+1=4 Resolutions

Okay so it’s the New Year, but I don’t like making resolutions because I always end up breaking them or trying to be too optimistic. So I’ve really been thinking about what my resolutions should be for this year and what I want to achieve with the year so that it doesn’t end up like a waste of time like last year. So here they are:

1. This is probably the most important one I have thought of because it contributes to a lot of the other things I have thought of, GET A PART TIME JOB. I go on about this a lot but if I get a part time job, I’ll be able to learn to drive – so I can see Scott more, or alternatively I can afford train tickets – so I can see Scott more. Plus it will also mean I don’t need to keep borrowing money off of my parents and can actually stand on my own two feet well in a way.

2. Pass at least three of my AS level’s this way I’ll be one step closer to being able to go to university which means I’ll also be one step closer to being nearer to Scott. Win win with this one.

3. Start my university application form and find a course and university I want to study and will be useful to me in the future.

4. Be a better person in general and not take my family, friend or boyfriend for granted

So that’s it really they’re achievable if I really work at them.

College was okay spent most of the day on my own though seeing as all of my friends went home. Found out that I know nothing that I need to know for my two exams next week so I have now officially started panicking.

Laterz xo

Love you xxx

An amazing week!

Well this is my first post in just over a week, and I have a very valid reason for not writing anything! I’ve been to stay with Scott and had a truly amazing week.

I didn’t get up as early as I was supposed to on Monday as I over slept which meant we ended up leaving later and once I had broken the shower it was a bit of a panic to actually leave. Once we were finally on the road and on our way to Scott’s, well his auntie’s house we managed to hit virtually every traffic jam possible. In the end we decided to stop at some services and eat because I was bored and my mum and dad were getting pretty annoyed with me complaining about how long the journey was. After 5 and a half hours in the car we arrived at his aunties, it was so good to finally see him again and it was good to see his sister. I was really worried about meeting his family although, as Scott kept telling me before it was unnecessary all of his family that I met were really nice. We had a really good afternoon and evening with them and went on a long walk.

On Tuesday we went with his sister Stacey to Weymouth because her boyfriend lives there and she was going to stay with him for the rest of the week, it was a really good day. Just like the rest of the week because we were finally just able to spend time together which we don’t normally get to do! I also had my first bell ringing lesson from Scott’s dad, and I didn’t really know what to expect but it was really good.

The rest of the week was pretty filled with loads of different things too, we went to the cinema to see the new Narnia film which was really good, we played badminton with one of his friends – I didn’t really play I more sat there and watched, we went for a walk and we just spent time together. Plus I had several more lessons of bell ringing which I managed to get the hang of towards the end, probably because Scott’s dad is a good teacher.

We don’t normally get to spend ‘special events’ together so for us to be able to spend new year together was really special for me.

Although now that we’re apart after spending so much time together it feels really weird, but it’s not too long until we should be able to see each other again as there is another half term in February. Whether Scott comes to stay here or me at his again I don’t know but I hope we do get to spend some time together again. Plus his parents are really nice people.

Scott worries about a lot of things more than most people, and I told my parents that we had had sex where as Scott didn’t which I wouldn’t really expect him to be honest. But I think he expects my dad to kill him now or something which won’t happen. Plus Scott keeps worrying that I regret it because it was my first time however I don’t because he isn’t like other guys and isn’t trying to use me.

It’s my first day back at college tomorrow and I’m not looking forward to it, due to the fact I’ll have to be up at half 6 in the morning and it’s a whole day but I only have to lessons which isn’t too bad.

So overall I have had a pretty good Christmas and an amazing new year all thanks to the boyfriend.

Laterz xo
Love you xxxxx