Baby take my open heart and all it offers, Cause this is as unconditional as it'll ever get

Raining and grey skies...GREAT!

But I did get to speak to my amazing boyfriend this morning! Although that was after I overslept and forgot to go online to speak to him, I feel so bad for that, but it did mean I got to hear his voice. Everything seems to finally be falling into place, I have my boyfriend back and this time I’m not questioning it but enjoying and appreciating having him by my side!

Last night I finally worked out what I wanted and now I know I’m never going to take him for granted! He means the world to me, and I really can’t live without him.

Today I’ve spent a while thinking about the future, and what I really want to do and achieve, I know that I want Scott to be a part of it and that I defiantly want to go to university and I know where I want to go.

I hopefully have a place at long road, studying media, business, politics and ICT. I need to get my grades at GCSE which I know I can do! I just need to push myself to get the final pieces of coursework done then I need to put together a revision timetable that I can stick to, because the one I’ve got at the moment I don’t stick to.

Then after college hopefully I can get a place at Bournemouth University studying media, that means a lot of hard work to get in but I really want to go to university. That’s a massive change from what I wanted last September but I’ve seen that you get out of life what you put into it, so if I work hard now I’ll be able to have a good future.

Today another dream I used to have came back and this is something I definitely want to work on. I used to want to play for England ladies football team, and Arsenal ladies but then I got injured playing and had to quit to take the strain off of my knee otherwise it wouldn’t heal properly, now that it has I’m going to work on getting my fitness back and finding a team.

I know I’m 16 why plan my life out but these are things that I definitely want to achieve, and are things that I can achieve if I put my mind to it.

I was really surprised I thought Louis would cause me more trouble but he’s just left me alone and done what I’ve asked him to, last night I cut every means of him talking to me off so he can’t cause any more trouble between me and Scott.

There’s something that I’ve left out the list of what I want out of the future, and that’s the part that includes Scott. Last night I was talking to Molly, (who used to hate me being with Scott but know she’s happy for us because we’re so happy together) and we ended up talking about Jamie (her boyfriend) and Scott it was weird, but good weird, because we were talking about our relationships and everything, I kept saying how this time we were going to work because this time I feel something that I haven’t felt about our relationship before, yes I’ve always loved Scott but there’s something different about us this time it feels right being together, but not just right, I feel like if me and Scott broke up then I would fall apart, I haven’t felt that way before, this time my feelings for him are definitely a lot stronger. That’s what lead on to the next part of the conversation and where it started to get scary, but good scary, and sort of puts where I see and want Scott to be in my future. We started talking about who we wanted to spend the rest of our lives with, and I know without any doubt that for me that person has to be Scott I couldn’t imagine having anyone else by my side, and then me and Molly started talking about marriage and everything, and for the first time in my life I can say without any hesitation that yes the distance is hard but it proves that what we feel about each other is strong because it can last with the distance in between us. Not many people’s relationships would work with how we do, but this makes me even more sure that Scott is the person who I want to spend the rest of my life with, how do I know that when I’m only 16, not many people go to bed at night smiling and wake up again smiling all because of one person, not many people, have someone who doesn’t give up on them and walk away when they do, not many people have what me and Scott have. It’s so scary to need someone so much when they could just walk away, but having Scott by my side makes me feel like I can do anything, I know I can turn to him if I need support, and I know that he’s always got me, there’s no running away when things get hard, I’m standing by him through everything, the good and the bad! No more letting people come between us and everything that we have, this is forever and nothing or no one will come in between that!

Love youuu xxxx

All or nothing

sorry bout not posting yesterday my computer crashed :@

this will be a quick post coz i'm really tired :/

spent the whole of today thinking about us, and still not being 100% sure. louis decides to come back at the wrong times and tell me his feelings. They are so different...

I'm pleased for scott bout his football, shame bout getting injured.

GAAAHH why was the male species put on this earth???



I soooo totally want to learn that!

right bed...NOW....plus its the easter holidays!! AND AND i deffiantely got my first choice for camp.

times like these

when i wish:

i could just be with scott, especially like now when he needs me, it hurts like hell to know that he's got all this stuff goin on and i can't be there for him.

i could just leave school and leave all the bitchyness behind

i could get a deal writing for some newspaper/ get my own stuff published coz thats what i do best... write. plus i'm pretty good a drawiing butt you knowww.

thinking of making a portfolio website :) but its gonna take a while to remember all the coding stuff...

my sisters goin fora uni open day and if she wakes me up at 3 in the morning tomorrow i wont be happy, but that means i wont have to go to school if she does....

can't be bothered wiv school anymore i just want to go to college and start driving.

laterz x
love you babe xxxx

"Cozz you had a baad day, and you take everyone down"

all i'm gonna say is that scott means the world to me and without him i dont know where i'd be, he always makes me smile after a bad day.

had a really bad day till i got home, but thats life.

tomorrow will probs be the same and it will be until this is all sorted out.

dont really have much else to say...

laterz xx
love you babyy and i always will xxxx

Learn the intro to stand by me on my guitar today :)

spent two hours downloading some software that didn't evem work :@

tried to sort things out with kersha again to today, but she seems ready to throw 13 years of friendship down the drain.

i really need to do some courseowrk but really can't be bothered...

i really do love him and hope that we're together forever cause i really care about him, i feel really bad about taking what is happening between me and kersha out on him :/

school tomorrow, then about 4/5 weeks till easter :)

laterz xx
love you babe xxxxx

A more interesting post

Well the last post was a bit short so i'll write this one whilst watching england play, especially as they aren't doin too great... (first half 1:0 to eypt)

Well the first thing i did when i woke up this morning was check my phone and i had 3 texts from him :) I fell asleep when we were texting last night :/ it was nice to wake up to them though, it reminded me why i love him so much, they was he says how he feels, it's good to know that he can say how he feels to me. Not many guys are like that, it's just one of the millions of things that i like about him.

"oh rooney don't be such a dick" my mum's input to the football... (second half)

When i went down the shop this morning, as normal, 2 creme eggs for 80p!! thought that was amziing. This car nearly crashed not so good.

"what's bart simpsons sister called?" dad not watching the football...god knows what he wanted to know that for

Spent the walk down to the bus stop texting scott :D as usual...

Had media first... emma and bethany are going to start a band :/, anna, "i'm going to the doctors" emma "why" anna "must you know everything about my body? do I need to reveal the secrets of my temple?" major lol.

the rest of the day past in a bit of a blur

1:1 crouch scored (second half)
"he can do that he's such a big man" lol he's huge what they on about big
at last shaun wright-phillips is on :D

got home, found the tab to everything - michael buble and ava marie - beyonce. After talking to scott for a while, spent about an hour practicing my guitar.

Wrote a few more poems although my mum thinks they sound more like lyrics :/ gonna change them...

I'm pretty sure this time me and hiim will be together for a really long time, he means soo much to me. I know this time i won't make the mistake of taking him for granteed like last time. It feels good to be appreciated for a change and to be given respect.

I am as of now looking for a new football team, this weekend i'm starting me new fitness training for myself untill i find a team. Looking at one of the ladies teams in cambridge and now i'm looking for a new pair of boots.

Things are looking so much better, i have some really good friends, a truely amazing boyfriend who i love so much, and everything is just starting to look like it's going somewhere...

2:1 to england shaun wright phillips (second half)

Anyways thats it, but longer than the last one :)

Laterz xx
I lvoe you babe and i always will xxxx

Maybe it's love this time....

I don't think anyone or anything can change the mood i am in right now :D i am sooo happy! It's all down to one person. Scott! Yeaah we're back together, took long enough, but i'm pretty sure it's gonna work this time.

Bless him this morning :)

Had four maths exams today... FOUR. They were all resits as well...

Well, media was realli funny,

Mr H: what does the watershed mean claire?

Claire: you can swear and all that sh!t before 9pm

lol the best part was mr houghton didnt hear what she sed, lmao

Media studies = the best studies :D

brenna's new name: rofl lmao

No more exams for a while i don't think

My hpone won't hold its charge at the moment it's realli annoying...

Textiles tomorrow, wonders what heeks has got instore for me :/ i swear that woman has it in for me...

Not realli got much to say, i'm just realli happy :D

Laterz xx
I love you babee xxxxx

U-turn day

Well so far today has been just great, i managed to mess up BIG time. My day:

Wake up to a text from louis, which was realli good.

Then we have a little chat that finishes with 'I love you' which was even better

The bus was early so we didnt have to wait in the cold, which was brilliant

Had a reasonable day at school until lunch, which is when things start going messed up. I start talking to scott, go to send him a text explaining why i was't so sure about me a louis, which i accidently end up sending to louis, which i completely regret, and to now i still haven't spoken to louis. So who knows whats going to happen, probably something bad. Hopefully i can fix things. Anyways i'll keep you posted.

Laterz xx

today couldn't of turned out BETTER :)

Firstly I think I may have probably just got my guy back, LOUIS, after being a complete an utter arse last night I told him this morning that everything was hard enough without adding him to the equation and he just said all the right things in all of the right places. I never thought he would be that sort of person, but he seems different now... good different... Well I suppose he’s changed like he said, and apparently that’s down to me. I’m writing this because I can’t be talking to him as he’s at football sorting out his team, yeah I know its crazy he has his own team he plays for them and I think he manages them, but I’m not completely sure on the managing thing but I know he started the team.

A lot of people keep asking what I see in him so here it is:

1. He’s really funny and good at making bad situations seem actually quite good
2. He can actually give really good advice, and surprisingly he told me not to fall out with my parents over him
3. His hugs are amazing, I absolutely love them (not to mention how he kisses, but you don’t really want to know about that)
4. He listens to some pretty decent music
5. He actually listens to me, we can actually hold a conversation
6. He knows how to have a good time
7. He has a tattoo, I think tattoos are really attractive
8. All the little things he does

Trust me there are loads of things about him that makes me crazy about him. He’s the reason I have a smile on my face. Hopefully this time we will last a long time. Plus my parents are all good with it now.

I am so happy it’s crazy, and I’m so looking forward to Sunday. Shame I can’t go to Claire’s party on Saturday...

I feel bad about Scott though, I guess, he will find someone one day...

I’m so happy at the moment nothing can bring me down.

Oh yeah i had to do some interview thing for school today, that woman was sooo funny

Laterz xx
Love youuuu xxxx

I want to hold you and hold you... (alicia keyss)

I totally love that cover :)

It's weird when you are totally sure of something or someone then the smallest thing has to happen to change that.

I have this amazing guy, louis how i totally fell for after he was there for me when i was going through a rough time with scott, we were breaking up after finding out he was cheating on me and it just wasn't working. So Louis was there not judging me for giving it ago, and just being there for me when everything was falling apart. Then we just got closer and closer, and well yeah we ended up together. I thought he was everything, he got on with my parents, he was great to be around, he knew how to make me smile, and was just a great boyfriend. Then he wanted things to move a lot faster than i did, and wanted us to spend a lot more time together that i couldn't give him, with all of my exams, we started arguin about everything and well yeah then it's kind of obvious from there... we split up...

Then i have scott who was great when i was with him. Cute, funny, everything you could ask for, only problem we didn't really get to see each other. But then things went messed up, well they went really messed up. I thought he was cheating on me, the distance wasn't working out, he were starting to drift apart, i guess i ended up feelinh like i couldn't trust him because of small things that went on, lieing about little things that didnt matter but they did in the end.

Now both of them want to be in my life again, but in more ways than as a friend. Until this morning i was absolutely sure i wanted it to be louis then scott was in my head until i had a proper conversation with louis. I'm pretty sure, well more than sure, that i want to make a proper go of things wiht louis, not because i don't care about scott but because of everything that happened before and the reasons why we split up last time, we've just become really close friends again, and i think for now its best that it stayed that way.

Talking with haidee has really helped lol we always talk about our relationship issues :/ She made me realise how much i really do care about louis, and i want to have a fresh start with him.



It won't be easy, i know that because my parents have told me that they don't want us together, but i'm pretty sure it won't take them long to see that he make me happy, and that i want to be with him. If he changes and does what he did before then i won't want to but it will be over then. But i don't know why but most of my friends have changed their minds about him, or seen that i hate being without him because they keep saying that if he makes me happy i should be with him.

Hopefully everything will work out the way i want it too...

Looking forward to cromer after prom should be gooooodd :)

Anyways, thats it

Laterz xx

Its funny isn't it...

Some people really do turn out to be people you don't recognise, you tell me everything you think i want to hear, just because you think it means i will sleep with you? what a joke. i won't stop talking to someone because you say so, he actually has been there for me something that you never have been. It's weird to think that i actually once cared about you and thought that we had a future together. You've made a mug of me twice it isnt going to happen again. and on top of that you lied and you think i will forgive you... i dont think so somehow. i was wrong about you, i was wrong to stick up for you and i'm glad i've walked away.

T H A N K Y O U

I really do need to say thank you to scott, i wish more guys were like him. He knows how to pick me up when i'm down, make me smile, he really is a good friend. But he is the only person that really doesn't judge me and gives me proper advice.

this might sound weird, but today i have finally felt a sense of freedom, i'm not tied to anyone, i think i've finally escaped my feelings for louis. right now things are starting to go good again, but i know this for sure i want to get out of here as soon as possible to get away from everything bad thats happened.

i don't know if i want to go to college anymore, i know this means i've changed my mind again, but i don't know if thats where i really want to be anymore, but if i don't go to college i'll need to find a job, and most probably have to start paying for stuff for myself, because my parents would hate it if i don't go to college. but i don't think i can go through the pressure of these exams anymore. plus i'll be 17 three months after september, which means i'll be able to learn to drive, which is a huge positive.

right now, i'm not going to focus on having a relationship with anyone, i'm just going to concentrate on my exams, if that happens it will happen, but at the moment i am happy, being single, i've got great friends, and i finally feel like i'm getitng somewhere, like i'm growing up.

the only worrying thing about saying i don't want a relationship right now is, i'm starting to get that feeling again, where all you want to do is talk to that person, but the distance was too much and it probably would be again, everytime i send him a text i can wait for his reply... I guess maybe if this can all wait till i'm past my exams and i can drive, maybe will can have a future then... at least then we would have a chance, but till then this will have to wait... hopefully it does... i know one thing i'm really missing you like i used to.



The memories that song has...

back to school tomorrow, no more freedom, i am gonna actually draw up a timetable so that i know i'm going to get everything done!

My main priorities from now on:

1. Coursework and revision

2. My friends and family

=2. Scott (he comes into his own section, hes more than a friend, not part of my family, but isn't my boyfriend or anything)

3. Me time!

I'm not going to worry about anything else. I've got everything i need, i just need to make it the most that i can.


laterz xx

at last...

3 hours, 3 pages and 1565 words later my english coursework is finished, at last and i managed that wihtout any notes or anything just the two poems and some really un helpful scribbles in my book, but all in all i think i may have at leats a C, it can be any worse than my romeo and juliet essay.

Had a good conversation with the louis today and we seemt on be back on track again, which is really good and i'm looking forward to sunday, hopefully my revision doesn't decide to ruin it for me.

There's not really much goin on at the moment, oh yeah own clothes day at school tomorrow, some freedom form the deathly black uniform, to raise some money for the Haiti earthquake people.

Anyways, i've had enough of being sat in front of the computer so i'm off,

Laterz xoxo

so much going on this year already

Right well, parents evening is coming up and there won’t be much else for the teachers to say other than, coursework needs to be done, well unless they say it in a more creative way then I don’t think there is anything else they can say anyways.

I was thinking about what is going to be happening in the year already:
1. College interview
2. Sit my GCSE exams
3. Prom
4. Leave school
5. Holiday in august 2 weeks
6. Start college
7. Louis’ 18th
8. My 17th
9. Learning to drive

And even then I’ve probably missed some of it out, I mean it’s really weird to think that I’ll be 17 this year.
I love Glee, slowly the TV people are getting towards a decent musical TV show.

I discovered that I have written 130 poems since last January, quit good really seeing as I don’t really do it all that often
I was quite proud of myself today, not only did my brother leave the Xbox alone long enough for me to use it but, I even managed to beat his score on need for speed, after I did it’s needless to say that I got kicked off of it, but I had a look and I’m still in front of him, hehe.

I came across that song by chance, and its actually quite a good song, and the lyrics are really true.
Anyways I’m off

Laterz xoxo

Ps.

I just love that song

christmas :)

well i really hope scott can come in the christmas holidays, i really want to see himjust hope that nothing comes up :)

had quite a good day today but need something to look forward to coz all i have is these exams that they but back by like 3 weeks :(

me and half my mates have started listening to christmas songs already :)





i know what i'm getting him for christmas and i know he'll really like it, well he better do coz theres alot of effort involved in finding the right place to get it :)

can't wait to see him, it'll be sooooo good if i can :)

anyways waterloo road on tv tonite then maybe a little chat with him :) and possibly some coursework :/ (gaaah i hate school but i suppose only 6/7 months left then i can do what i want)

thinking bout not going to college and just getting a job :) that way i can do what i want when i want, and i'm actually sick of schools and teachers, wish i could leave now but if i did that then i would have no chanc eof getting a job and my parents would actually kill me :( all i've got to do is find a job somewhere, and then i'm sorted :)

really disliked biology today :( eyeballs are officially the most disgusting thing everrr.

i really wish sometimes i could just see him, and just spend some time together...

maybe i won't fail textiles anymore :) i've actually got some work done :P

i love it when he say i love you especially as we can't be together when we want to, but hearing his voice makes up for it. i love finding things out about him and can't wait to hear more embarrassing stories about him, good job there arent many bout me :) otherwise i would be worried bout what he could find out :P.

i hate talkin bout myself it makes me feel bigheaded, and there aint actually much to talk about to be totally honest, if people want to know stuff bout me then generally have to ask :)

can't wait to go christmas shopping especially now the ice rink is up on parkers peace :) the lights are gonna be well good this year, shame i cant go see them bein switche don this year was good the other year :( oh well :P. maybe i'll go skatin at some point agen last year was good especially wiv all the lights round it and dinner afterwards was a laugh, my cousin knows how to cheer me up :) shame i can't skate properly, hopefully we'll be able to go to ice planet in peterborough wiv the skool agen coz last year it was good i actually learnt how to skate properly but can't remember half of it :(

i really love christmas, and it's only the second week of november :/ that means bout 6 weeks till christmas day :) 45 days apparently :) not actually that long.

just got to decide what i'm getting my brother and sister for christmas now :/ i know what i'm getting everyone else :)

new year should be really good got my auntie and uncle and my cousin coming over on new years eve and maybe some other family too :) the summer holiday wiv them was great especially when we were all playin badminton that was pretty funny specially when me and my dad where beatin everyone :) it was realli hot too, still got a slight bit of my tan although it's goin pretty quick :(.

i really want to go to DI4R agen next year but not sure which one :/ probs not where i went this year, coz i want to try soemthin new :)

got rehearsals agen on friday for the christmas concert still cant figure out why i'm singing in it :/ some of the songs are good and it should be a laugh mr B is funny anyways so rehearsals are good specialy if bren bren turns up agen me and her had a laugh dancin last week :)

well thats basically all i have to say :) thought i'd fill in some of the gaps, seeing as he was at kick boxing and i didnt have much else to doooo :)

laterz xx
love you babe xxxx

what a good day :)

lol had a really good day especially as its my birthday :D 16 at last :P

got some really good presents and cakes :D and everyone made it a really good day at skool
lmao at jade at that hot maths teacher :) (no one can be as good as scott though)

i love him soo much, i really hope he can come for christmas :D he's amaziing and gorgeous :)

well thats it really

laterz xx
love you xxxx

what a mess :/

well i have realized how shit my life is and has been...

get bullied for 3 years
get beaten up
my auntie gets raped
my mum gets arthritis
my sister gets sexually assaulted and nothing gets done about it
and then there's all the little daily problems too

apart from those everything is fine.

at least i've got him :)

why is it when things start to look up they go straight back down again. i wish i had the guts to try and get back into football but i know there's no chance of getting back into it now.

got my school report today and found out that out of the a* and a i'm predicted i am only gettin that in 2 subjects.

got asked to sing in the christmas concert, thats a bit of a joke seeing as i cant even sing, stupid music teacher, then got dragged along to rehearsals, christmas so early and i didnt really feel like it.

my birthday's on monday :) and i dont feel like celebrating it at all. i even know what my parents are getting me this year, they know me so well that they have to get me to buy my own present, good one.

spent all morning making sure there was nothing for my mum to do or otherwise she would end up doing soemthing and ending up hurtin herself, especially as her arthritis is bad agen :( so i managed to do the housework in under and hour wiv my sister and go down to the shop to go get her some magazines all before i went to skool.

well there aint much else to say, just glad i've still got him :)

laterz xx
love you xxx