I hate hearing other people’s problems, don’t they get that some people actually have their own and don’t need to hear about it, I don’t want to and I don’t need to. I know I’m selfish.
The other thing I don’t need is to hear about what people are planning to do with their boyfriends where they’re going what they’re doing, I don’t care. Yes this has got to do with the fact my boyfriend lives over four hours away and I can’t see him and be with him when I want. I don’t care how selfish I sound I really don’t care. Mainly because I wish I could be with my boyfriend like that, but I can’t and today I don’t know I think I realised how much I really do miss him. Especially now, when everyone is organising all the Christmas stuff and say bring your boyfriend... yeah I wish I could but he lives four hours away so that’s kind of a bit hard. Then I’m going to have to deal with all the couples so ermm I think I’ll spend Christmas away from all of that and on my own, yeah that’s are really good idea I like that idea a lot. I’m going to cut myself off from all that good Christmas stuff and just stay at home and do some college work or something.
No I can’t even do that at the moment something just doesn’t feel like I fit in there either every day I wake up and think why am I even bothering it’s not even as though I’ll get into a university. So why am I even at college? I get on with people there I guess that’s probably why if i didn’t have people that I got on with there I wouldn’t be there anymore.
But I don’t say this to anyone because I don’t think it’s fair to dump all my stuff on other people when they’re dealing with their own problems.
Half a day at college tomorrow, then a day off then a half day again.
I’ve spent my frees at college looking for part time weekend jobs and found some to apply for I really hope something turns into a job soon because I’m fed up of not having any money.
I don’t want to lose Scott, and I’m worried I will. I’m different from most girls. And I’m scared that he will eventually start to hate it, like everyone else I’ve been with has. I’m scared he will get bored of the distance. I’m scared he will find someone else. I'm scared he will end up thinking I'm a part-time girlfriend and get bored of only seeing me in the holidays. But I can’t tell him this because he has too much other stuff going on, I don’t want him to have to deal with me being like this I need to be there for him, but I can't be because I'm not with him I can't be there and tell him things will get better because we have this stupid distance between us. He's the first guy I've really opened up to, I don't want to lose him. He's the first guy to treat me as a person and not an object. He's the only person who has truly made me happy. I don't want to lose that... ever.
Right I’ve empty my head out in a messy kind of way but that’s how my head feels right now, so it fits I guess.
Laterz xo
Love you xxx
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